[NARRATOR]
Welcome, welcome, welcome
To this great arena
Durham, North Carolina
In the heart of the Research Triangle
We've come to this particular place tonight
'Cause we gotta look at things from every angle
We need some answers to some complicated questions
If we're going to get it right

To that end, we have here gathered
Some of the most expensive scientists in the world
Eminent scientists, that is
We got biologists, biometricians
We got a quantum mechanic, an astrophysician
Got a cosmologist, a cosmetician
Got an astronaut, we got Astroboy
We got he doctors, she doctors, knee doctors, tree doctors
We a got a lumberjack
And a life coach

On the other side, we have the true believers
We got the Baptists, the Methodists, the Presbyterians
Episcopalians are here, pass the hat
We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators
The Big Boss Line, it's Madison time
The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy
Give 'em room, get outta the way
We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta
Have them all arrayed
Scientists, are you ready?
First question: dark matter
Oh, dark matter
Give me someone knows somethin' about space
Nice space music, Georgie
Alright, what is it?
Where is it?
Can we get some?
Stand up, sir, would you?
You are standing, forgive me
Dark matter, go ahead

[SCIENTIST]
Dark matter is out in space
It's seventy-five percent of everything—

[NARRATOR]
Just a moment, sir
Do yourself a favor
Use our musi
People like it, and your music's making people sick
Alright, it's a free country, go ahead
Dark matter, what is it?

[SCIENTIST]
We don't know what it is
But we think it's everywhere
[NARRATOR]
I'd like to take a look at it
Can we get some down here?

[SCIENTIST]
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Of course not!

[NARRATOR]
Let me get this straight
You don't know what it is
You don't know where it is
And we can't get any?
Put that to the one side
Let's put the Lord, faith, eternity, whatever on the other side
Show of hands?

[NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS]
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus
I'll take Jesus every time
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus
I'll take Jesus every time

[NARRATOR]
Yes I will, yes I will
Yes I will, yes I will
[NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS]
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus
I'll take Jesus every time

[NARRATOR]
All right, one-nothing
Next one's gonna be a hard one
It's about the theory of evolution
And it's about animals, also
So give me someone knows somethin' about evolution
And animals
Who you got?

Wow, you're a beautiful woman, aren't you?
Doesn't matter, of course
But if this science thing doesn't work out for you—
Don't boo me, don't boo me
I'm just kidding, you know that
Here's my question: explain me the giraffe
Go ahead

Elaborate?
With pleasure, miss

The giraffe, to survive
Must eat leaves high up on the yaba yaba tree
That's true, isn't it?
Of course it is
Everyone knows that

But Mr. Darwin's giraffe
The halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck
Could never have reached the highest branches of the yaba yaba
Therefore, he could not have survived
It's only common sense
Unfortunately for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn't have any common sense
Evolution is a theory, and we have just now, tonight, disproved it
Show of hands?

[NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS]
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus
I'll take Jesus every time!
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus
I'll take Jesus every time
Yes I will, yes I will
Yes I will, yes I will
I'll take Jesus every time

[Applause from the gathered crowd.]

[NARRATOR]
Alright, two-nothing
Next question: global warming
Is it?
And if so, so what?

[TRUE BELIEVER, in the distance]
Sir!

[NARRATOR]
One of the true believers seeks to be recognized
Hand him a mic, Charles
Thank you

[TRUE BELIEVER taps the microphone.]

[TRUE BELIEVER]
Sir, do you know what you are?
You're an idiot
You're a strawman, a fabrication

You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr. Newman
Self-described atheist and commonist
Creates characters, like you, as objects of ridicule
He doesn't believe anything he has you say
Nor does he want us to believe anything you say
Makes it easy for him to knock you down
Hence, a strawman

I myself, believe in Jesus
I believe in evolution also
I believe in global warming
And in life everlasting
No one can knock me down

[NARRATOR]
Oh, we can knock you down, Mister
We can knock your commonist friend down, too
Commonist! You call me an idiot?
We've been knocking people like Mr. Newman down for years and years
Like this
Page thirty-five, Georgie
Miss Dorothy, page thirty-five

[NARRATOR, NARRATOR & MISS DOROTHY, MISS DOROTHY]
Ah
I know someone is watching me
Everywhere I go
Someone sees everything I see
Knows everything I know
When I'm in trouble, don't have a friend
There's still somebody on whom I can depend (I can depend)
Someone who'll be there 'til the very end
Someone is watching me

[NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS, MISS DOROTHY]
Someone is watching me (Watching me, yeah)
Someone is watching me (Oh)
For so long, I was too blind to see
Someone is watching
Someone is watching
Someone is watching me! (Oh, yeah)

[NARRATOR & MISS DOROTHY]
Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen
Fifteen, twenty, twenty-five minutes
Depending on how the merchandise is moving (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
We'll be right back

[Applause.]