[Intro]
I have a decent life
I'm a happy loving wife
And my job is well-paid and fulfilling
I have a husband, John
He's due home soon, won't be long
And I have to tell him something that is absolutely chilling
We share coffee in the morning
And we make love every day
We take time alone together
To talk and laugh and play
We prioritize our needs
We do charitable deeds
But the flowers of our happy life are now beset by weeds

[Verse 1]
Oh darling John! (Oh dearest John!)
Therе's something very wrong
I've just had a convеrsation with our doctor David Wong
So please be seated
This news will make you feel defeated
The scans revealed a lump
You poor unlucky chump!
Is it cancer?
Worse! Oh John!
We're having a baby!
[Verse 2]
How can this be? (Oh woe is me!)
Why has this happened to me?
I always wear two condoms for the maximum of safety
In our tiny flat we've built a peaceful habitat
Now our lives are fucked
We're having a baby!

[Pre-Chorus]
Now you can't have any wine at book club
And there won't be any time for foot rubs
Now your hair will stink of wee
And you'll start to disagree
And forget about that holiday in Territory Three
No more waking up at half-past ten
In fact you're never going to get a good night's sleep again
No more snap decisions to go on to a club
You'll be lucky if you even make it out to the pub
Why can't we be more like our gay and lesbian chums?
The only poo they have to deal with comes from personal bums
Now when I take a sick day at home...
The parasites won't leave you alone (How he's grown!)

[Chorus]
We're our top priority
I look after you and you look after me
Ain't no trouble and strife
We got a childless life
No-one wails and no-one bawls
No-one draws things on the walls
A happy husband, a wonderful wife
We got a childless life
We're having a baby!
We're having a baby!
Changing nappies daily
We're having a baby!
No more weekends by the coast
Now your kid is uppermost
It's more than a passing craze to have childless days
(We're having a baby!) Food and drink thrown everywhere
(We're having a baby!) Death trap toys at the top of the stairs
(Contraception failed me!) Every parent prays to have childless days
(We're having a baby!) No more spas and no more peace
(We're having a baby!) Eighteen years of bills at least
(Somebody save me!) Time for a whole new phase
These childless days!
[Outro]
One more thing before the show begins
Have you considered that you might be having twins?
Nooooooo!