It was later that day when Lafayette walked up to me. He tried to force a convincing smile onto his face but it wavered, something that made me uneasy. “Laurens, if you do not mind, we need to talk privately.”
I nodded, placing my French translations to the side. If Washington was going to yell at me again for missing work, at least now I could say that I was conversing with Gilbert about military business, which was a lie; it was obvious what he wanted to discuss was about what happened between him and Alexander. “Sure, that’s fine. Does my bedroom work as a private space?” I asked, keeping my voice and my gaze on him as casual as I could muster, now knowing what happened between him and Alexander not so long ago.
My friend merely nodded, and from the way he gulped it was clear that his throat had gone dry from nervousness. “Absolutement.”
“All right, let’s go.”
It was a short walk up the stairs, only bringing the inevitable sooner, and when I got into the bedroom, my French friend was eager to have it shut behind us. Clearly, he was dying to say something to me, but—“What is it, Gilbert?”
He sighed, avoiding my gaze entirely. Not that I cared; it would’ve been hard to speak to him while I knew those blue eyes were the same ones that had gazed upon my lover’s naked figure as I had. “Before he left, Alexander told me that it had been made known to you what we were doing.” From the gleam that rimmed his eyes it looked like he was trying his best not to cry, something that proved quite hard for him considering he was a man who almost always showed his true emotions. “I just want to say that I’m so, so sorry!”
I immediately wrapped my shaking friend in an embrace, letting him cry into my shoulder. “Gilbert, you don’t have to apologize. I understand that what happened between you and Alexander was loveless and merely just unfulfilled lust that needed to be satisfied.”
“But I knew about you two’s relationship even before he came to me! I could tell you two loved each other, that what you two had was not something men did when women’s pleasure was absent in their lives. And I still allowed myself to satisfy his needs even because he insisted so how you were leaving him when I knew it would be better if I had just steered him around and told him to make up with you!”
I was about to nod in agreement, to console him, when I processed what Alexander had said. I pulled out of the embrace in surprise, stiffening. “Wait, he told you that I was leaving him?”
Lafayette nodded, wiping away the last of his tears and gulping down any more that decided to resurface. “He said that always happens when people he loves get into arguments with him.”
My blood ran cold, my eyes widening in shock, and I realized what Alexander had meant. It was an argument between his mother and father that had brought the end to their relationship quicker than they had expected. It was an argument between him and Ned Stevens over whether or not their “experiments” were genuine love or not that drove Ned to leave St. Croix entirely and pursue medicine in America. It was an argument that had brought the end to Alexander’s relationship with Kitty Livingston. He thought that this was the argument that would bring the end to ours.
Immediately, I ran to the door of our bedroom, flinging it open with such a force it collided with the wall behind it, no doubt leaving a mark at the least or maybe even a dent. I didn’t care and continued through the hallway. From behind me I could hear Lafayette ask, “Laurens? Where are you going?”
I didn’t answer him, running down the steps so fast I nearly tripped, my hand just grazing the railing and barely keeping me steady. I grabbed my tricorn hat off the peg by the door, quickly placing it on my head. My breath came out in ragged gasps from how quickly I was doing everything, not allowing myself any rest.
By the time I had opened the front door Gilbert stood at the bottom of the steps, his eyes scanning me with curiosity, clearly unsure of what I was doing, accompanied by Washington. “Laurens,” His Excellency said, tone firm and serious, “where in the Lord’s name are you going?”
I ignored him despite the punishments I could receive, running out the door and to the stables, one hand on my hat so it didn’t fly off my head. Quickly, I slammed the door shut behind me.
My palms were drenched in sweat from anxiety at the prospect of being stopped by the guards before I was even out of camp, and if that were to happen, what consequences I would face for my actions. I could be demoted or kicked out of the army entirely, something that was not an option. I came to fight in this war to forget about my feelings, and if I were to be forced to leave it I would have to return to London and actually act like I was in love with Martha or that I truly did want Frances Eleanor. But worst of all: I wouldn’t get to Alexander and he wouldn’t know that everything was going to be fine.
From behind me, I heard the general boom, “Laurens, get back here! This behavior of yours is unacceptable!” When I looked through the cracks in the strips of wood that made up the walls of the stable, I could see Washington shaking his fist in anger while Lafayette stood behind him nervously, clearly trying to tell me to stop this madness before it went too far.
Despite their warnings, I mounted a random horse I found—a shire with a chestnut brown mane who seemed friendly enough. Unfortunately, there is no saddle upon the horse, only one hanging on the wall. I quickly grabbed it, fumbled with getting it on her, but the moment my fingers grazed her hide she bucked up, neighing, whinnying, on her hind legs. “Sshh…” I ordered, quickly turning around and taking a sugar cube from the table behind me, putting some in my uniform’s pocket for later. I put my open palm in front of her nose so she could smell that the sugar cube was there, and all too slowly did she begin to eat it. Finally, once she’d finished, I was able to get the saddle on her and somehow managed to sit in it on top of her despite how slippery my hands were with sweat. “You got this, girl. Just go really fast and I’ll give you more sugar cubes on the road.”
She neighed and I held her reins tight, causing her to begin to run toward the door. Quickly, she kicked it open, the wood used to make it blasting out at several angles. I thought about giving her a sugar cube for her good work before I saw the men cornering me and quickly thought better of it, forcing her to sprint through the camp instead and reward her when we were safely off of camp grounds.
By the time I rode through some of camp and past headquarters Washington and Lafayette were already out in front of the walk, Tilghman and McHenry behind him, watching the scene. A few men had come out of their tents, some even half-dressed, to witness what was happening. “Laurens, this is your last warning. If you leave camp on that horse and come back you may find yourself without the high rank you currently have!”
I merely shook my head, trying to calm my horse who was up on her hind legs, kneighing, anxious from the amount of people watching her. “Hamilton needs me; I am not going to let him go through this alone!”
The general leaped for me, aiming for my leg in order to drag me off of my steed, but I dodged, making the horse gallop away from him. I heard Washington order, “Guards! Stop him!”
Three, five, ten, fifteen guards tried to block my path, but I swerved to the left, trying to get through the cluster of people surrounding me. They expected it and swerved in kind, blocking any type of escape one again. I tried to do so to the right; they only copied my actions. My breath caught in my throat as they tugged at my legs, trying to pull me from my steed. For a second I thought I was going to have to accept defeat and risk Washington’s anger. Then the idea came to me.
Quickly, I slapped the behind of the horse, causing her to whinny and go up on her hind legs once more, thrashing about. The guards immediately steered clear of her, making sure not to get hit, and I made her gallop again, long and fast, forward and out of camp. I didn’t dare look back at Washington or the rest of the family, who no doubt were disappointed in my rogue behavior.
I knew not how I was going to get to Black Point, but I knew that, no matter what happened on the road there, it would be my final destination. No matter what happened at Black Point, whether it be insulting the French for disrupting d’Estaing’s meeting with my lover or having charges pressed against me because I demanded to get into the house he was in, I was going to tell him that our relationship wasn’t going to fall apart. Alexander’s life depended on it.