[Intro: Brett Bair]
Is there anyone on stage?
Is there anyone on stage?
Well, the rules for tonight; shrink government
Thirty seconds
Well, the rules for tonight; shrink government
Without further adieu, let's begin

[Verse 1: Jeb Bush (Chris Wallace) ​​​​Megyn Kelly​​​​]
In Florida they call me Jeb. I'm proud of my brother
(You are a criminal) I've got a record in Florida
We've done it twenty-seven times since World War II
(But he says you do nothing) True
But I have said that Mr. Trump's earned legal status
Really mirrored what we said is ridiculous, tragic
I believe we can do this the right way
And with low expectations, dumb down everything
They call me Veto Corleone. What?​​​​
Education, the Bloomberg Foundation
Border enforcement means you pay a fine
I've read the book about this, over an extended period of time

[Verse 2: Donald Trump (Brett Bair)]
(Mr. Trump) Murders, crime
I've been challenged, and I don't have time
The person that wins, if it's not me
Have a good time as the Republican nominee
What am I saying? I'm leading by a bit
But you know what? We will win
Drugs pouring across the border, it's fun
And we need brain. Trump, Trump, Trump

[Verse 3: Scott Walker (Megyn Kelly)]
(Governor Scott Walker) Thanks. I'm a guy with a Harley
The voters in Wisconsin, they tried to recall me
You know, people like Hilary Clinton lead from behind
We find mush, push, at least in my wife
I ran a messed up law enforcement
One article called me aggressively normal
First off, I'd like to repeal Obamacare
I ask for your vote, because I was worried for America

[Hook: Mike Huckabee (Megyn Kelly)]
(Fat pigs, dogs, slobs) Illegals
(Disgusting animals) Prostitutes, drug dealers
Pimps, all the people freeloading off the system
And of course, I'm talking about Hilary Clinton
(Fat pigs, dogs, slobs) Illegals
(Disgusting animals) Prostitutes, drug dealers
Pimps, all the people freeloading off the system
And of course, I'm talking about Hilary Clinton

[Verse 4: Chris Wallace (Brett Bair)​​​​Megyn Kelly​​​​]
(President Vladimir Putin started a campaign)
(Hardliners in Iran chant Lebron James)
​​​​Well, that's awkward. We're just gonna shout out the names
Mike Huckabee, he unleashed a can, if you know what I'm saying​​​​
We should favor a constitutional amendment
Banning responsibility. The Mexican government
Did a great job running your state of Wisconsin
Government is stupid, Florida is toxic
The last president bamboozled the American people
And you say everyone from 2002 is illegal
Could you please address Senator Cruz?
Why not use this debate to share your proof?

[Verse 5: Marco Rubio (John Kasich)]
I was raised in the Amazon, and it is outrageous
How is Hilary Clinton going to lecture me about education?
Four years ago, I owed a hundred thousand dollars
The majority of this to El Chapo from Guatemala
My father was a bartender (My father was a mailman)
(His father a coal miner) But enough about him
People are frustrated. They will come illegally
They will turn it into a new American century

[Hook: Mike Huckabee (Megyn Kelly)]
(Fat pigs, dogs, slobs) Illegals
(Disgusting animals) Prostitutes, drug dealers
Pimps, all the people freeloading off the system
And of course, I'm talking about Hilary Clinton
(Fat pigs, dogs, slobs) Illegals
(Disgusting animals) Prostitutes, drug dealers
Pimps, all the people freeloading off the system
And of course, I'm talking about Hilary Clinton

[Verse 6: Ben Carson]
Well, I could take issue with all of those things
The thing that is most important is having a brain
Ukraine can't trust us with politicians
Carson doesn't believe in the Geneva Convention
We have weakened ourselves, militarily
Take out half of a brain, freedom is not free
Drive the debt to an unsustainable level
And I've talked to a lot of the generals
And believe me, people are stupid idiots
We want to utilize military intellect
And America became a great nation
That separates creativity, and innovation

[Verse 7: Chris Christie (Rand Paul) ​​​​Ted Cruz​​​​ {Brett Bair}]
I agree with Doctor Carson. Yes, I do
When you actually have to be responsible, to give more tools
(ISIS wants in a U.S. Humvee)
(I've got a proposal; fund our enemies)
When you're sitting in a subcomittee, blowing hot air
You can say things like that (I asked the mayor)
That is nonsense​​​​ But I am darn proud
{It's good to see you gentlemen. What do you think of this crowd?}

[Hook: Mike Huckabee (Megyn Kelly)]
(Fat pigs, dogs, slobs) Illegals
(Disgusting animals) Prostitutes, drug dealers
Pimps, all the people freeloading off the system
And of course, I'm talking about Hilary Clinton
(Fat pigs, dogs, slobs) Illegals
(Disgusting animals) Prostitutes, drug dealers
Pimps, all the people freeloading off the system
And of course, I'm talking about Hilary Clinton

[Outro: Megyn Kelly (Brett Bair)]
It's over! (That's it)
The first Republican primary debate night of the 2016 presidential race
Our thanks to the candidates, who will now be joined by their families
(But fine, their families have been sitting here in this arena, on pins and needles)
They were way more nervous than these guys
(Way more nervous)