[Verse 1: Peter]
Jessica Biel and Megan Fox
Wearing nothing but their socks
Is all I really want for Christmas this year

[Interlude: Brian]
Well, that's just not practical. 

[Verse 2: Lois]
Spending a week in Mexico
With some black guys and some blow
Is all I really want for Christmas this year

[Interlude: Peter]
Aw, that sounds terrific. How about you, kids?

[Verse 3: Chris]
I would like a pair of skates
Then I'd go out skating
But I really don't know how to skate (Ha-ha!)

[Verse 4: Meg & Peter]
I want a Lexus all in pink
And a dad who doesn't drink
Oh, and that reminds me: twelve kegs of beer
[Chorus: The Griffins]
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year

[Interlude: Brian, Peter]
Santa's got his work cut out for him. 
Oh, we ain't even gotten started yet. 

[Verse 5: Lois & Peter, Both]
I wanna tour the Spanish coast
Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost
Is all I really want for Christmas this year

[Interlude: Lois & Peter]
Wait, what?
Forget it. Keep goin'. 

[Verse 6: Chris & Meg, Both]
Jennifer Garner in my bed
Softer voices in my head
Is all I really want for Christmas this year

[Verse 7: Stewie]
Yellow cake uranium
Never mind the reason
Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball (*giggles*)
[Verse 8: Brian, Peter & Stewie]
Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?
Poo on you! It's not enough!
Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here

[Chorus: The Griffins]
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year!

[Interlude: Brian, Lois & Peter]
I'm just saying it seems a bit excessive. 
Oh, get off your soapbox, Brian, it's Christmas. 
And Christmas is about gettin'. Everyone in town knows that. 

[Verse 9: Quagmire]
Japanese girls with no restraint
Just to choke me till I faint
Is all I really want for Christmas this year (Ooh, giggity)

[Verse 10: Bonnie, Joe, Both]
Platinum-plated silverware
Just one day when kids don't stare
Is all I really want for Christmas this year

[Verse 11: Mort]
If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport
I will go to court and sue your ass!
Happy holiday!
[Verse 12: Mayor Adam West & Herbert the Pervert]
Wouldn't I love a Tinkertoy?
And a little drummer boy
He can either tap his drum or my rear

[Chorus: Mayor Adam West, Herbert & Mort]
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year

[Verse 13: Tom Tucker & Angela, both]
I want a golden mustache comb
And some spermicidal foam
That's all I really want for Christmas this year

[Verse 14: Carter & Consuela, both]
I want a brand new pitching wedge
I would like more Lemon Pledge
That's all I really want for Christmas this year

[Verse 15: Bruce & Jillian]
I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey
I just want some colored Easter eggs

[Verse 16: Carl, Tomik & Bellgarde]
I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz
We don't know what "Christmas" is
We have something else called "Kishgev Fufleer"

[Chorus: Everyone]
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year!