Peter: On Monday I had drinks with Barney Rubble

We hit a couple divey little bars
We noticed there was quite a lovely lady
Sitting at the table next to ours

Now Barney who was pretty friggin’ wasted
Got up and stumbled over with a groan
He said, “Hey just between us
My Neanderthalic penis
Is as massive as a Stegosaurus bone!”

All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It’s a quirk we just can’t fix
Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks

Meg: Did Barney really say that?

Peter: Oh, yeah, he is a bastard

Lois: Wow

Peter: And he, and he really does not give a damn about the feelings of women. And, uh, it’s sad. It’s really sad

Brian: Well, you think that’s bad, listen to this:

One day I met an ape of great charisma
Magilla the Gorilla was his name
He wore a little hat and matching bowtie
A fashion which has brought him great acclaim

I said, “What do you see as your career peak
Of all your many flashy escapades?”
He said, “Well this is funky
But you’re lookin' at the monkey
Who’s responsible for bringing you the AIDS!”

All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It’s a quirk we just can’t fix
Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks

Peter: So he’s the culprit

Stewie: I say, that is just awful


Lois: Ok, ok, listen to this little gem:

I had a conversation at a party
With famous rabbit hunter Elmer Fudd
He told me I just had to see his rifle
And dropped it on the table with a thud
I said to him, “It’s quite a lovely firearm."
He told me his fiancée likes it too
He said, “This may be corny
But it really gets me horny
When I press it to her temple while we screw!”

All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It’s a quirk we just can’t fix
Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks

Peter: Oh, god, that is one sick bastard

Stewie: Ooh, you’re not kidding

Brian: Yeah, that, uh, that kind of stuff is against the law too, I think


Chris: Well, I got one that’s even worse than that:

♪ On Friday night I went to get some candy, ♪
♪ Some soda and some chips and other stuff. ♪
♪ Along the way I passed a little alley. ♪
♪ And there I saw that canine cop McGruff. ♪

♪ I said to him, “Hey you’re that famous crime dog!” ♪
♪ He said, “I only work from nine to five. ♪
♪ And now it’s close to tennish ♪
♪ And I’ve got a job to finish, ♪
♪ Cause as you can see, this hooker’s still alive!” ♪
♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪

Meg: That’s awful!

Stewie: Ugh, imagine McGruff beating up hookers

Peter: He is a dick, he is a dick


Stewie: Yes, yes, he’s a nasty cartoon, but I can top that. Listen to this:

♪ One day as I was strolling through the forest ♪
♪ I happened on some mushroom covered turf. ♪
♪ And there from underneath a patch of fungus ♪
♪ Emerged the one and only Papa Smurf. ♪

♪ He said, “This is our secret mushroom village.” ♪
♪ I said, “Then I’m the first to see these views?” ♪
♪ He said, “I’m only kiddin’ ♪
♪ Cause we only keep it hidden ♪
♪ From the Asians, Arabs, faggots, blacks, and Jews!” ♪

♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪

Lois: That Papa Smurf sounds like a monster

Stewie: Oh, he is a dirty, nasty racist, and a bigot, and a homophobe, and you know what I did when I got home?

Brian: What?

Stewie: I called up Gargamel, and I told him where the village is. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Peter: Haha, Sweet!

Meg: Can I go next?

Lois: Of course, sweetie

Meg: ♪ One day I met a—♪

Peter: Holy crap, look who’s here, it’s Jason Alexander!

Jason: Hey, cartoon haters

Meg: But, but I was supposed to go next!

Lois: Quiet, honey, Mr. Alexander wants to talk

Jason: I couldn’t help overhearing what you were talking about, and I agree. Cartoons are real fuckin’ assholes

Brian: Yeah, that’s, uh, sorta what we’ve been trying to communicate

Jason: Well, get a load of this

Peter: Hahaha, he said “load.”

Lois: Haha, hahaha, I know, I heard


Jason: ♪ I once met Scooby Doo at a premiere bash. ♪

♪ He looked a little haggard and he stunk. ♪
♪ He said, “The trouble started last December, ♪
♪ When Daphne made a pass while she was drunk.” ♪

♪ And now he’s got a child out of wedlock. ♪
♪ It’s dealing his career a fatal blow. ♪
♪ I asked him, “Where’s the baby?” ♪
♪ He said, “Jason, buddy, maybe ♪
♪ Now you see why fuckin’ Scrappy’s gotta go!” ♪

♪ All cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It’s a quirk we just can’t fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks. ♪

Peter: Wow, Scrappy is the bastard child of Scooby and Daphne

Jason: Shocking, isn’t it?

Peter: Yeah. Hey, you douche bags wanna wrap this up?

Chorus: ♪ So let us leave you now with one suggestion: ♪

♪ A bit of wisdom you can take for free. ♪
♪ The Mickeys and the Goofys and the Daffys ♪
♪ Are not the gentle souls they seem to be. ♪

♪ So any time Sylvester catches Tweety ♪
♪ Or Tom has got poor Jerry in a fix (he’s in a fix) ♪
♪ Sit back and just observe it, ♪
♪ Cause the little shits deserve it, ♪
♪ For all cartoons are fuckin’ dicks! ♪