[Verse 1]
I was having a bad week
I crashed the car
And the cat carked it
And I weighed myself outside Woolie's
And I'd put on four kilos

[Verse 2]
Arranged to meet an old friend for coffee
I poured my heart out –
Told her all about poor dead fluffy
And the bloody car
And did she think I should go on a diet?

[Pre-Chorus 1]
She studied my face, trying to frame the words to say
With just the right blend of sympathy and advice
She took a big breath
Looked into my eyes and she said:

[Chorus 1]
"You should go on Australian Idol!
Even if you don't win, you'll have a great time
Don't worry that you don't look like a supermodel
They're even letting fatties on there now
So you should be fine"
[Verse 3]
I said "Thanks, I feel a lot better
Now" then I erased her number
From my phone
I didn't know
How much we'd grown apart

[Verse 4]
The very next day was my birthday
No one called
Except my grandma
She was drunk
She just needed a lift home from the pub

[Pre-Chorus 2]
Then that Sunday night, I went to dinner with my rellies
They said "Happy Birthday!
Do you mind if we put the tv on?
It's nearly the final of Australian Idol"

[Chorus 2]
"And Kate, you should go on Australian Idol
You're much prettier than her – she looks like a pudding"
"You'll win it no worries love" said my uncle
And I just turned and looked at him like he
Was something that I stood in
[Bridge]
And don't get me wrong –
If I turn on the tv and it's on
I can't stop watching
Even with the ads
Even with those two dickheads blabbing on
Between songs
I love to see their spirits crushed
Their egos shattered
I love the ones that really suck
In the first auditions
I love to watch them sob
Their dreams in tatters
And I laugh
While I eat my dinner
They're crying in their 5-star hotel
And I'm cackling on my cack-brown couch
And it's not that I am jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous

[Verse 5]
The next Sunday, I had a pretty bad hangover
Feeling kinda grumpy
Sitting on the couch
Eating Pringles
Feeling sorry for myself
[Verse 6]
I flipped to Channel 10
And before I knew it
I was watching a really short guy
Singing that really annoying song
By Craig David

[Pre-Chorus 3]
Suddenly I rose to my feet
It must have been divine intervention
I saw the light in front of me
And I screamed!

[Chorus 3]
Why am I watching Australian Idol? (God!)
Am I really reduced to this pitiful state? (Jesus!)
I may as well just head down to my local karaoke bar
Or better still just change to SBS
You better believe it'll change ABC
So Marcia, Dicko, whatever your name is…
Shove it up your ass!
Shove it up, shove it up, shove it up
(Australian Idol)
Shove it up, oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh!
(Australian Idol)
Shove it up, shove it, shove it, shove it, shove it shove it...
(Australian Idol)
Ah!
(Australian Idol)