[Spoken]
Well, it's the holiday season
And Santa is checking his list
To see who’s naughty or nice
And I'm kind of feeling guilty
So, I wrote a song

[Intro]
So many presents, so little time

[Verse 1]
Santa won't be coming by my house this year
’Cause I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear
Oh, Mama made it perfectly clear
Santa don't like bad boys
Especially Jewish ones

[Verse 2]
Skanif-kanof and Lego blocks are what I desire
So, why'd I have to set the pizza guy's hair of fire
I told him I was sorry, I'm a liar
So, no toys for me
I don't deserve them

[Bridge]
I couldn't wait for a big wheel as the holiday nearеd
But then I told my grandma that she had a beard
[Interlude: Spoken]
Dеar Santa
I know what my problem is
Why I can't be good
It’s a fear of intimacy
You see, my whole life
Whenever I met someone
Really great like you
I keep feeling like
I’m getting too close to them
And something inside me
Makes me want to screw it up
So, in a weird way:
The reason I'm so bad
Is because I love you so much, Santa

[Verse 3]
Rock ’Em Sock 'Em Robots is what I was hoping for
But then I made a death threat to Vice President Gore
Oh, Santa won't be knocking on my door
'Cause he’s a big, fat whore
What made me say that

[Bridge]
Chutes and Ladders would be so good indeed
So, why'd I have to sell that cop a bag of weed
[Bridge]
So, Santa please give me my Easy Bake Oven
I swear I thought Billy goats were made for loving

[Verse 4]
So Santa, won't you accept my apologies
Santa, can't you see, I'm begging you please
Oh Santa, next year I'll do you right
Live from New York, it's Saturday Night