[Chorus 1]
Seargent Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
Ingenious Seargent Pilcher
He's found a way to make them pay
For the deviant things they do and say
Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
Quick-witted Seargent Pilcher
He's a dutiful man with his task at hand
And he's bound to insure with his masterplan
The purity of the motherland
Seargent Pilcher

[Verse 1]
In October of 1968
In the heart of Montague Square
There was a rumor of some deviation
So Pilcher's Squad was there
Though it was determined before the intrudance
That the flat was fully clear
When Pilcher arrived and made his inspection
The hashish magically appeared

[Chorus 1]
Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
Ingenious Seargent Pilcher
He's found a way to make them pay
For the deviant things they do and say
Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
Quick-witted Seargent Pilcher
He's a dutiful man with his task at hand
And he's bound to insure with his masterplan
The purity of the motherland
Seargent Pilcher
(Go, Ler!)
(Thanks, Ler!)

[Chorus 2]
Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
Clever Seargent Pilcher
He's found a way to make them pay
For the deviant things they do and say
That Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
Good ol' Seargent Pilcher
He's a dutiful man with his task at hand
And he's bound to insure with his masterplan
The purity of the motherland
Seargent Pilcher

[Verse 2]
In March of 1969
On return from the store
Patty Harrison found Pilcher's squad waiting at her door
Planting tidbits on the popstars
Seemed quite the thing to do
'til it landed Pilcher in the pokie in 1972

[Chorus 3]
Seargent Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
That cunning Seargent Pilcher
He's found a way to make them pay
For the deviant things they do and say
Pilcher, Seargent Pilcher
Sharp as a tack that Pilcher
He's a dutiful man with his task at hand
And he's bound to insure with his masterplan
The purity of the motherland
Seargent Pilcher