[Verse 1]
Everyone's a model and I'm a librarian
Everyone's a Corgi and I'm an Alsatian
Everyone's a birth and I'm a C-section
Everyone's a train and I'm a train station
Everyone's appealing, they all look good
I'd swipe right if I could
A nice straight girl tells me that I look good
But I really, really, really wish a gay guy would

[Pre-Chorus]
So I smile, say, "Hi, have I met you before?
Did you like the band? Yeah, I've met them before"
Then I lean in, and he tells me to stop
And everyone's hot
And I'm not

[Chorus]
Everyone's hot, and I'm not
Everyone's hot, and I'm not
Everyone's hot, and I'm not
Everyone's hot, and I'm not

[Verse 2]
Everyone's a model, they're all Brazilian
I'm a librarian from Wigan
I've got one pound, they've got one million
Everyone's a reptile, and I'm an amphibian
My bread roll doesn't taste good to the ducks
And the kids don't want the candy in my truck
Bad luck, bad luck, this is it, I'm stuck
Giving new meaning to giving zero fucks
'Cause I'm cute as a button, but they won't press me
Everyone's police, but they don't arrest me
Everyone's Coke and I'm Diet Pepsi
Everyone's a dick and I'm testes
[Instrumental Break]

[Pre-Chorus]
The guy says, "Hey, I'm not into all that
I don't like boys, I like pussy, twat, vagina"
And every other synonym of 'not me'
So I laugh and say, "I don't know what you mean"
Or, "I was joking," go into the smoking section
Look both directions, I'm alone
I feel like a leper
I catch the sight of my reflection
I don't feel any better

[Chorus]
Because everyone's hot, and I'm not
Everyone's hot, and I'm not
Everyone's hot, and I'm not
Everyone's hot, and I'm not

[Post-Chorus]
Everyone's (I'm not)
Everyone's (I'm not)
Everyone's (I'm not)
Everyone's

[Bridge]
Everyone's, uh, every-everyone's probably bored of this, right?
Let's do the other bit, yeah, this bit, woo, wow
Yeah, I love this bit
Uh-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da, da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Okay, this verse is gonna be good
[Verse 3]
Everyone's hot and I'm not
Everyone's fit and I'm shit
Everyone's 'ight and I'm shite
Everyone's sexy and I'm Dexys Midnight Runners on a Thursday night, alright

[Outro]
Like "Come On Eileen"?
Yeah
Oh, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-baow