I’ve been hanging out in– I haven’t been working in LA, but I come out here and hang out and shit. I was out here a few weeks ago. I almost got arrested. I’m not bullshitting. This happens to a lot of black people. What happened was… I was coming out of one of those nightclubs in Hollywood, and my friend saw me. I guess I was wobbling or something.

So, he just rolled up. He’s a good friend of mine. He’s like, “Hey, Dave, give me the keys.” I was like, “All right, n***a, just take the keys.” And I got in the passenger’s side of my car, and he drove it. It was fine. Just talking, chopping it up. And then, on the 10, the blue-and-whites hit us. Now, I should tell you, the friend that was driving me was black, which really doesn’t have anything to do with the story other than to let you know there was fear in the car. Not my fear. I’m black, but I’m also Dave Chappelle. So, I figured, you know, shit will probably be fine. Traffic stop started off on the right foot. The cops came up to the driver’s side. “Hi. How are you guys doing tonight?” And he recognized me immediately. “Oh. Dave Chappelle.” And I looked at my friend like, “We’re getting out of this shit.”

And then he says, “You guys were swerving in the lane. Do you mind just stepping out of the car for a second?” Still no cause for alarm. I looked through the rear-view mirror. The body language of the arrest looked good. Just talking. So, then I started fucking with the radio. You know a traffic stop is going good if you’re listening to the radio when someone else is outside of the car. But then, when I looked back in the rear-view mirror, something had gone horribly wrong. That motherfucker was back there like…

And the next thing I knew, they were stuffing him in the back of the car, and I thought what anybody would think in a situation like that: “Oh, my God. What is gonna happen to me?” And the police walked up to the window. “Mr. Chappelle, we had to arrest your friend. He refused to take our breathalyzer test.” I said, “That motherfucker. Not complying? That’s odd. So, officer, what’s gonna happen to me?” “You’re fine. We’re just gonna have to ask you to step out of the car so we can impound the vehicle, and we’ll arrange for you to have a ride home.” I said, “Oh, well, no. I would rather you just give me the keys.” He said, “Mr. Chappelle, your friend already told us he’s your designated driver. We can’t let you drive in this condition.” I was like, “No, n***a, I’m good.” And then suddenly, the shit turned into Vegas. He was like… “I’ll let you blow for it.” I said, “Excuse me?”

He said, “If you blow in my breathalyzer–” I said, “Oh, n***a, I thought you was trying to get your dick sucked. What’s the– Whew! Whew!” “If you blow in my breathalyzer and pass, I’ll give you the keys to the car.” I said, “Uh… set ’em up, n***a. Let’s play.” And I blew in that thing. And it made a noise. “Beep!” I said, “Uh-oh.” And he looked at it. He said, “Oh, well, Mr. Chappelle, I guess you’re free to go.” I said, “I am?” I didn’t know that thing didn’t pick up weed. I drove home on the miles an hour.

Yeah, it all worked out. It all worked out. I’m one of the lucky ones.
It doesn’t work out that well for everybody. I saw that videotape of that lady that got beat up in LA in traffic. You see that shit on rush hour traffic? They beat a black woman’s ass. This woman didn’t even do anything wrong. It’s fucked up. It was so fucked up, it didn’t even go to court. The City of L.A. just gave that woman $1.5 million for her pain and suffering. That is not bad, considering that’s the same amount of money that Marcos Maidana made to fight Floyd Mayweather the second time. And this woman obviously hasn’t trained a day in her life. You can see it on the tape. She didn’t come to fight. Her guards were low. She was taking a lot of shots.