I got a lot of things to talk about tonight! First of all, I’ve stopped smoking weed. ...With *black* people; You didn’t let me finish, motherfuckers. Goddamn.

I’m sorry, black people, to break the news so publicly, but I *can’t* smoke with you anymore.

*Every* time I smoke weed with my black friends, all you talk about is your 'trials' and 'tribulations.' I’m SICK of that shit. I got my OWN problems. N***a, that's a *waste* of weed. I’m smoking weed to run away from MY problems, not take on YOURS.

From now on, I smoke weed *exclusively* with white people.

Calm down, motherfuckers, you win by default.

You got good *weed* conversation. All 'white people' talk about when they get *high,* is OTHER times that THEY got HIGH. I could listen to that shit all night.

“Dude, remember at Frank’s last week? I was fucking SMASHED, man.”

And catalogs everything they drink.

“I had two shots of Jäger, tequila... four bong hits, man. Beer; cheeseburger...” That shit is great.

The only bad part is... you CANNOT pass OUT around WHITE PEOPLE. Every time white dudes pass out around each other they always do some... borderline-gay shit when the guys are asleep.

“Frank fell asleep so we, like, stuck a carrot in his ass... and put shaving cream on his balls...”

Why, motherfucker? Why’d you do that to a friend of yours? He trusted you to sleep around you and you’re going to put a carrot in his ass? Is that – is that nice?

I’ll tell you right now, if I put a carrot in a black dude’s ass, that n***a will KILL YOU when he wakes up for some shit like that. That is an automatic... death sentence on the street. It’s a WRAP for you.

“I’m gonna KILL that motherfucker.”
“I thought y'all was friends, baby? What happened?”
“I fell asleep at his house, right? I was drinking and I fell asleep at his house and while I was sleeping, right? ...I’m just going to KILL that motherfucker, all right, that’s ALL you NEED to KNOW... and FUCK carrots.”