I watched… I watched Donald Trump in a press conference. And this motherfucker had all the media gathered, and this n***a literally, literally asked the media to their face to stop finding shit out. I was like, “Yo. Yo, this motherfucker is bugging.” And then… I’m not even making this up. His lips started sweating. His lips. Have you ever seen a motherfucker’s lips sweat? What the fuck is wrong with this n***a’s lips? It’s like if you’re on a plane, right? You ever been on a plane… I get scared to fly. I do it all the time. I’ll be scared on there. And sometimes a plane will hit turbulence. And then I get nervous, but I always look at the flight attendant, and she looks calm, and it makes me feel calm. But if that bitch’s lips were sweating? It’s terrifying. Like, “Yo, n***a, why are your lips sweating? What do you know?” And then… I’m not making this up. This motherfucker grabbed the podium, he goes, “You don’t know how scary the things I read in my briefings are.” And I was like, “Holy shit, man. You ain’t supposed to tell us that, bro.” That’s bad leadership. As a parent, you think I’m gonna sit my kids down, “Hey, little man, come here real quick. I’m gonna holler at you for a second. Yo… I’m three months behind on the rent, n***a, and I am worried. Very worried. Go on, go to school and have a productive day. I was just thinking out loud. Getting some shit off my chest.” I’m like, “What the fuck are you doing, bro?”

This is bad, man. Jesus Christ. All this motherfucker’s ideas sound like “high people” ideas. He doesn’t think these things through before he tells us. He tells us what he’s thinking as soon as it occurs to him. That shit sounds nuts. “I’m gonna go to China, and I’m gonna get those jobs from China and bring them back here to America.” For what, n***a? So iPhones can be $9,000? Leave that job in China where it belongs. None of us want to work that hard. What the fuck is he thinking? I want to wear Nikes. I don’t want to make them shits. What the fuck are you doing? Stop trying to give us Chinese jobs. “I am going to bring back coal.” Coal?! I’m not even exaggerating… I have never in my life even seen a fucking lump of coal. I honestly don’t even know what coal is for. If you gonna have motherfuckers digging in the dirt looking for shit, find me some truffles, n***a.

That’s what I’m about. At least truffle prices are getting out of control. If it gets any worse, I’m gonna be back down to regular butter like everybody else. Terrible, terrible job. This motherfucker hit North Korea with rap battle threats. “Fire and Fury.” Like, “Yo! Yo, what you doing?” This is fucking Korea, man. Kim Jong-un is a scary motherfucker. He might be as crazy as Trump. Some scary shit. And if you one of them naive motherfuckers that thinks that a war with Korea is gonna be easy, then you don’t play Call of Duty at three a.m. like I do. ‘Cause that’s when the Koreans play. Fucking eight-year-old Korean kid took out my whole goddamn platoon last night.

I’ve never seen somebody in an office so high with the most just basic fucking solutions. Like, you know… “We should not let any more Muslims in the country till we can figure out what’s going on.” Did he just say, “Figure out what’s going on”? Who doesn’t know how to do basic math? Let’s count it out, okay? It’s been 17 mass shootings in the United States. Four of them were done by Muslims. None of those four Muslims were from any of the seven countries in your stupid-ass original ban. And since he brought it up, the other 13 shootings were done by the tiki-torch whites. These are facts. You don’t see me trying to ban white people from the show to keep the rest of the audience safe. It’s a fucking terrible idea, because it’s mean and it’s racist. And most importantly… it would be catastrophic to my bottom line. If there were no white people here tonight, I might leave this bitch with $1,800.

This man needs to realize that we all need each other. And that’s why we will never, ever be able to beat China. Because everybody in America is racist, and everybody in China is Chinese. This motherfucker called it all wrong. And don’t believe the media either, ’cause as all this shit is happening, the media is trying to make us believe that the extremities amongst us are the norms. We can disagree, that’s fine. And most of us are keeping a cool head about this shit. You know what I mean? Americans generally respect one another’s beliefs, even if they don’t share those beliefs. I know I do.

I respect everybody’s beliefs, except Amish people. ‘Cause they are the only ones that I can say clearly, “Their God is wrong.” Speed limit is 75 miles an hour in Ohio, and one lane of traffic is blocked by a goddamn horse and buggy. N***a, your God is ridiculous. All the Amish people around my way know me, too. Not from television, obviously. They know me from the streets. ‘Cause when I see them horse and buggies, I pull the Porsche over and talk to ’em. [imitates brakes screeching] “Ezekiel. Ezekiel, are you sure that God doesn’t want you to have any of this technology or this energy? Huh? Hmm? Huh? I can’t hear you. Let me turn this air conditioner off. What did you say?” And them n***as be like, “Get away from me, ye. Ye tried to tempt me like the devil.” “Devil? Nah, bro. I’m trying to put you onto the game, Zeke. It’s a big world out here, n***a. I just went 25 miles in 30 minutes. That’s a day’s journey for you. You don’t even know what the weather’s gonna be tomorrow, do you? I do. You don’t even know that there’s a valuable Pokémon on your shoulder. [imitates game beep] Ta-ta.” And then I drive away. -[men and women shouting]

-Huh? -Oh, my vape pen? -[man] Yeah, I want to hit it. You want to hit my vape pen? Oh, sorry, n***a, I’m trying not to get herpes. My bad. I’ve been playing cat-and-mouse with herpes for 30 years now, but… Every night, I go to the club, I be like, “Not tonight, herpes.” No disrespect. I’m not saying you have herpes. I’m just saying one out of five people do, so let’s just… Let’s just all be careful around this motherfucker and make sure that… we leave with the lips we came with.

Sometimes I think that the media is hard on Trump. ‘Cause I’ll see shit that they get on him about that doesn’t seem bad to me. N***a got into trouble about not staying in the White House enough. Who gives a fuck? This motherfucker was rich. He used to shit in a gold toilet. It’s true. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the White House. It looks like a very nice place to work, but… I wouldn’t want to live in that Scooby-Doo-ass house either. That shit is… terrifying looking. Imagine you trying to jerk off in the crib, and Abraham Lincoln’s just looking at you like… Shit, Bush didn’t stay there, either. He was rich, too. He was like, “Fuck that. I’m going to my ranch in Texas.” Obama was the first motherfucker to move into the White House like, “This is a nice place. Look at this rug.” The media got on him about putting Jared Kushner in his cabinet, and I didn’t think that that was the worst thing he’d done. I mean, it was still early. It’s not unprecedented. Kennedy had his brother as attorney general, right? This motherfucker’s a Washington outsider.

To be honest with you, I’d probably do the same thing. As a matter of fact, I do. You think I go to a Hollywood meeting with all them white folks by myself? I bring my n***a Mac Mittens from the streets. I don’t even know his real name. Everybody just calls him Mac Mittens. But I know he’s not qualified to even listen to these meetings, but this motherfucker just makes me feel good. And all the white people look at me like, “Dave, do you mind asking your friend Mac Mittens to excuse us so we can talk business?” And I say, “Fuck that. Anything you say to me, Mac Mittens can hear that shit.” And he listened to the whole meeting. When they done talking, I just look over to Mac Mittens, and if he gives me the signal… “Meow-meow!” I’ll sign the papers. It’s a gut check.
Or how about this one? Remember when it was the day after the election, and the president of Taiwan called Donald Trump to congratulate him? And Donald Trump, of course, took the call and talked to the president of Taiwan. The problem with that was… Taiwan doesn’t have a president.

The United States functions on what they call “a one China policy,” and Taiwan is a renegade province of said China. And Donald Trump didn’t know that, and picked up the phone and started yammering away, and… the media ate his ass up. And I’m not gonna lie, I was laughing, I was like, “Oh, shit. This dumb motherfucker is in trouble.” And then that night, I was in bed drifting off to sleep, and then, I had to admit it to myself. I was like… “I didn’t know that shit, either.” And then I realized the media got the story wrong. The story wasn’t that Donald Trump took the call. The biggest story is that nobody told Donald Trump not to take the call. That’s terrifying. Goddamn, n***a, you don’t have a Mac Mittens on your team? It wasn’t like they were calling the White House. They were calling the switchboard at Trump Tower, and they were getting through, anybody. “Mr. President, there’s a Rikki-Tikki-Tavi on the phone for you.”

“Yes, put him through. Hello. Hello, Rikki-Tikki. Good to talk to you.” “Mr. President, there’s a John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt on the phone.” “His name is my name, too. Put him through. Hello. Hello, John Jacob. Let’s talk business.”