Yep, ladies and gentlemen, these are dark.. dark, dark times. New York Times said that Louis CK jizzed on his own stomach.

Now, I’ve busted a lot of nuts in my day. None of them were newsworthy.

Shit was really gross. ‘Cause they didn’t just say it like I said it. They didn’t just say, “Jizz on the stomach.” They said it in that fucking Pulitzer prize-winning style that the New York Times has. It was very descriptive, like, you know what I mean? “Louis CK’s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny , slowly drizzling down like lava , covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair.”

Like, Jesus Christ, I’m trying to eat some huevos rancheros, and this n***a is…

And you know the tough part of being a comedian is knowing the motherfuckers. Everybody comes up to me like, “Did you know? Did you know what Louis was doing?” “No, bitch. I did not know.”

The fuck you think we talk about at the comedy club? “Hey, how was the weekend?” “Great, man. I was just jerking off in faces and cumming on my own stomach, having a good time. You know how this business is.”

No, I didn’t know. They act like we sit around like Grease.

Tell me more, tell me more Did she put up a fight? [hums melody]

Sorry, I don’t know the choreography, but you get the point. You get the point.

Shit was intense.