[Narrator]

"Official 2002 PopCopy Employee Training Film with your host, Ralph Henderson"

[Ralph Henderson]
Hello! I'm Ralph Henderson. And if you're watching this video, that means you've just been hired to work here at Popular Copy. Me and my friends are going to show you the basics of what it's like to work here. You guys ready?

[PopCopy Employees]
Yeah!

[Ralph]
Great!

[Narrator]
"Getting to Work"

[Ralph]
First of all, never show up on time. If a supervisor happens to ask you where you were, your response should sound something like this:

[Ralph]
"Manuel! Why were you late?"

[Manuel]
"Man, I got here when I could. Shit, you not my fucking mom!"

(Manuel shoves past Ralph)

[Ralph]
Haha! Perfect!

[Narrator]
"Servicing The Line"

[Ralph]
Occasionally, you may get snagged by one of these customer people. Just remember, your job is to frustrate them and make them feel unwanted. If you can, wrap up a story that'll make them feel uncomfortable. For instance:

[PopCopy Employee]
"You understand what I'm saying, right? I mean, you know my reputation. I mean, I don't give a fuck. I'll go to Riker's to three or four years just to prove my point. I don't play that shit! (turns to customer) Can I help you?"
[Ralph]
Or:

[Manuel]
"Hell yeah I suck toes! (turns to customer) Good afternoon, welcome to PopCopy, can I help you? walks away"

[Ralph]
Or:

[Manuel]
"What's wrong?"

[PopCopy Employee]
"My butt is itching like crazy and I took a shower. (turns to customer) Can I help you?"

[Narrator]
"Computer Technology"

[Ralph]
If a customer has a computer disk, then look at it and tell them it's the wrong format. If they use Apple, tell them we're PC. If they use PC, tell them we're Apple. And if they got both, then
tell them we use Linux. And if they got that tell them the computers are down. They should be, anyhow.

[PopCopy Employee]
"You see, the whole system actually went down. It's going to be shut down for a couple of hours."

[Woman]
"Hours?"
[PopCopy Employee]
"It happens."

[Man]
"The whole system?"

[Woman]
"But this is a big place, how can-"

[PopCopy Employee]
"Listen, sister, I gotta go take a shit."

[Woman]
"I don't believe he said that!"

[Narrator]
"The Management"

[Ralph]
Should a customer get all uppity and ask to speak to a manager, then tell them "Guess what? I am the manager:

[Man]
"I want to see the manager!"

[PopCopy Employee]
"Yeah, no, see, I am the manager."

[Man]
"You are the manager?"

[PopCopy Employee]
"That's right, my friend."

(transition)

[PopCopy Employee]
"I'm the only manager here. Unless you want to talk to the PopCopy president. And I don't know him, you might could help me out with that, I don't know."

[Ralph]
I mean, really get in their face about it!

[Man]
"I wanna see your manager!"

[Manuel]
"Guess what, n***a, I am your manager! What's up? Whatchu' want?-

[Man]
"You're the manager?"

[Manuel]
"That's right. How many I help you?"

[Man]
"You?"

[Manuel]
"You done! That's it, your job is done, n***a, get out!"

(both men continue shouting)

[Ralph]
You know, a lot of people ask "Why? Why treat the customer this way?" Why? Cause, fuck 'em, that's why!

[Narrator]
"Bathroom Upkeep"

[Ralph]
Bathroom upkeep is important to us here at PopCopy. Be sure to spray chocolate sauce on the wall near the toilet to give the appearance of ariant feces. This will ensure that any customer that uses our restroom will never ever return to one of our stores. We ask that you sign a sheet to verify that this gets done once an hour, 24 times a day. Uh-oh, Tony, you missed a spot. Whoa! Now that looks poopy!

(transition)

[Ralph]
I hope you found this tape informative. And should you ever doubt yourself and consider treating a customer with respect, just remember this: You graduated from grade school and you don't have to take shit from anyone. Welcome to the PopCopy family and congratulations!

[PopCopy Employee]
Whoop his ass! Whoop his ass! Whoop his ass!