[ENSEMBLE]
The headline of 1980:

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
"Playboy Prince Needs a Lady"

[ENSEMBLE]
His mother grew quite upset

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
For he hadn't found her yet
It was fine when you were new
But, good God, you're 32 - what's a monarch to do?

[spoken]
There must be someone appropriate, Charles

[CHARLES, spoken]
You'd be surprised how few, Mummy

[ENSEMBLE, sung]
Ladies, hear our royal pitch:
Step right up and strike it rich!
By the way, there's just one hitch:
It's the worst job
The worst job in England!
[QUEEN ELIZABETH, spoken]
We are in crisis! Our popularity is declining, the public trusts us less and less...

[CHARLES, spoken]
And you're saying that's my fault?

[QUEEN ELIZABETH, spoken]
I'm saying your philandering isn't helping matters

[sung]
You're the heir to the British crown
You were bred to settle down
Our future queen should have no past
Find her, Charles, and find her fast!

[ENSEMBLE]
The boy just can't decide

[CHARLES]
I swear to God, I've tried

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
This is matricide!

[CHARLES, spoken]
Well, there is one possibility:
[ENSEMBLE, sung]
Daughter of a British earl...

[CHARLES, spoken]
The youngest Spencer daughter, Lady Diana

[ENSEMBLE, sung]
Lovely as an English pearl...

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
Seemingly, the perfect girl

[ENSEMBLE]
For the worst job
The worst job in England!

[QUEEN ELIZABETH, spoken]
But didn't you used to court her sister?

[CHARLES, spoken]
Sarah, yes, until she started mouthing off to the press about our relationship

[QUEEN ELIZABETH, spoken]
That was stupid of her

[CHARLES, spoken]
But Diana's different. She's... very shy, and I'm certain she'll be discreet. But I'm not certain this is what she wants
[QUEEN ELIZABETH, sung]
How could she not? She'll be Britain's heart!

[ENSEMBLE]
Though time to time, she'll be torn apart...

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
She'll have a staff all her own

[ENSEMBLE]
And not another moment alone!

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
She'll be celebrated, our country's pride

[ENSEMBLE]
And spend her life objectified

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
She'll have a place in our history books

[ENSEMBLE]
And forever, she'll be judged by her looks!

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
Britain won't be mollified

[ENSEMBLE]
Till we have a princess bride

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
A country unified!

[CHARLES]
A girl like her is hard to find

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
A princess we could get behind

[ENSEMBLE]
Then again, keep in mind:
It's the worst job, the worst job...

[CHARLES]
A royal couple casts a spell

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
A royal wedding serves us well

[ENSEMBLE]
A fairy tale born in hell!

[QUEEN ELIZABETH]
She's the best girl

[ENSEMBLE]
The best girl
For the worst job, the worst job
It's the worst job
The worst job in England!