[Spoken Intro: Martin Herlihy]
Just feels like the whole thing is, we're all donkeys

[Spoken: John Higgins & Ben Marshall]
Come on in!

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Hey, what's up, boys!

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Pete in the house

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
Pete man!

[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
The king of Staten Island himself!

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
What?

[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
Nothing, what's up?

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Well, I just wanna say you guys have been making some really fun videos for the show this year
[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
Dude!

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
Thank you, man! That's very nice

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
It got me thinking, like, we should all do a video together. I had this idea where maybe we could do like a music video about how we're all like best friends and how we're all, like, boys

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
We would be in it with you?

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Yeah, you guys would be the boys, so

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Yeah! Oh my God!

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
I would say so, yeah

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Let's do it!

[Musical Intro: Pete Davidson]
Yo, it's Pete and PDD
Let's go
[Verse 1: Pete Davidson]
Another day in the life of Pete
Just sitting in a courtside seat
People wanna take my picture with selfie sticks
It winds up on Page Six
It's never-ending
Everyday I'm trending
People wanna see the texts that I'm sending
All my friends are cool and famous
Except these three sad virgins

[Chorus: Pete Davidson]
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
Sir, can we time out for a second?

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Yeah, what's going on guys? You having fun?

[Spoken: John Higgins]
I'm having a blast
Quick question, is this about us?
[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Which part?

[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
I guess the three sad virgins part

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Yeah

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
Because, like, we have had sex
Maybe not super recently but...

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Guys, it's just a parody video, you guys are just playing characters

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Characters...

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
Oh, so people won't think it's about us?

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
It's not about you at all

[Verse 2: Pete Davidson & Ben Marshall]
Their names are Martin, Ben and John
And they work at the show I'm on
They just don't have any swag
(What?)
They're tall and weird and sad
John's loud but not very smart
Ben's breath kinda smells like a fart
And Martin's penis tip is way too red
At least, that's what his doctor said

[Chorus: Pete Davidson & Ben Marshall]
Three sad virgins, what?
He's talking about us
Three sad virgins, whoa

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Oh my god

[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
Oh, that was my real doctor

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
I gotta say something

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Yeah, you should, yeah

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
Pete!

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
What's up?

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
We love it

[Spoken: John Higgins & Martin Herlihy]
Love it

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
I just had one like tiny thought

[Spoken: John Higgins]
This guy has notes? Leave it as-is
It's rocking, dude

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Hey, do you have an ashtray by any chance?
Oh yeah, thanks

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
My only thing is maybe it could just be like completely different

[Spoken: John Higgins & Martin Herlihy]
Oh

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Oh, okay

[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
Maybe it's something topical, like Dune's a big movie

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Oh, something with Dune

[Spoken: John Higgins]
A Dune rap

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
All right, all right guys
It's now a Dune rap
So let's get some — sand in here!

[Spoken: John Higgins & Ben Marshall]
Yeah

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Alright

[Verse 3: Pete Davidson]
The planet Dune is very nice
It's a world that's made of spice
It's sandy like a playa
With Zendaya
I'm gonna ride a worm
And these guys suck

[Chorus: Pete Davidson]
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins on Dune

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Why is he humiliating us?
Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy from Wendy's?

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
Pete made me do it

[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
And why are we up here?

[Spoken: John Higgins]
He said we're like the flying sad sacks

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
You know what? We can't stand for this, right?

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Yeah!

[Spoken: John Higgins & Martin Herlihy]
Ben! Ben!

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Let us down

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Hey Ben, you ok, dude?

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Are you guys ready to go in again?

[Spoken: Ben Marshall]
No, we can't do this anymore
Okay? It's humiliating

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Damn guys, I'm sorry, I thought that this would be a fun thing for all of us, if it's not, then let's just end it

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Thanks Pete

[Spoken: Martin Herlihy]
Thank you, Pete

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
I mean, after we do the bridge

[Spoken: John Higgins]
Wait, what bridge?

[Spoken: Taylor Swift]
Hey Pete!

[Spoken: Pete Davidson]
Oh, hey Taylor!

[Bridge: Taylor Swift & Ben Marshall]
Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley
He looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers
And Martin has the charm and the sex appeal of a scarecrow
(That's not true!)
John has a big-ass bowling ball head
How does he stay upright with that big, fat melon?
And none of them have the guts to take their shirts off
In front of a girl
(Yeah, that's accurate, true)

[Chorus: Taylor Swift]
'Cause they're three sad virgins, what? (Whoa-oh-oh)
Three sad virgins, whoa
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
Three sad virgins, what?

[Outro: Taylor Swift & Pete Davidson]
And they're gonna die alone