Recently a ladyfriend and I found ourselves in a late-night Mardi Gras game of Kings Cup with a swinger straight married couple, two of us drinking from 2-foot Jester-shaped daiquiris. I know, I know: how could a night like that NOT end well?

Two days later, I found myself alone with the husband while ladyfriend and the wife were in the bathroom. As soon as they walked away, he'd turned to me and said, "So, I think you should give me some tips."

"Tips on what?" I replied.

"On how to do whatever it is you did to make her scream like that the other night." Ladyfriend had, indeed, had a pleasant response to my overtures. But nothing unusual. Uneventful, even. I was drunk, with something of an audience... I wasn't at my best. Then I thought "this poor boy!" and I decided to explain a little bit about cunnilingus for the poor gents out there who don't have their own vagina to use as a reference.

Then I thought I'd make it a game - see how much boys really want to know (1) how to make a girl shake with and electrocution of orgasm and (2) how girls *really* are when they're getting it on with other girls.

And, thanks to Rap Genius, I can illustrate and share. I'll answer (1) here in this album - new chapters posting regularly. I'll answer (2) if I know people are interested, which I'll know if I sell more than 20,000 copies of my novel (links upon click), in which I begin to describe it.

How to Eat a Pussy Right

I’m gonna start with a preview: exhale through your mouth whenever you can remember to, but don’t pant. See, I’m giving you details. More to come. But first, some background, and a word of caution: you gotta like pussy to eat it right. If the thought of going down on a woman grosses you out, consider sucking a dick.

A. Part 1: Know Her Anatomy

The first thing to understand is that there's more than one answer to this question, “Bacchus, how do I eat pussy right?” and it's _your_ job to find the right answer (hang onto your boner, I'm gonna tell you how you go about it).

Every pussy is different, on the whole. Click on that explanation, spend some time looking at the sculptures. Notice the diversity, the range. Some labia cascade out of the vagina cavity like dams bursting; some clits stay nuzzled totally inside along with the labia while she’s at rest. Most will change in appearance somewhat when they get aroused.

In men and women alike, some portion of the genitalia is internal. How much is internal depends on the person. Almost no women get the most achievable pleasure from a laser focus on a small area of the clitoris, even the classic and horrid rapid-fire poke some of you poor bastards attempt. Usually, a greater contact area that could include the folds around the clitoris, the inner and outer labia, the bridge to the ass, and the inside of the vagina is ideal. Yes, some of your tongues can get there, up in that vagina, all the way to the (sometimes) g-spot. Most tongues are bigger than Ken Jeong’s penis, and much more nimble. But not all women want you to go there, remember that.

Every clitoris is different, too. Some stick out more, others curl back heavily toward the vaginal wall on the opposite end. Some get more engorged than others. HOWEVER, if you notice NO swelling in the clitoris or the vagina as a whole while you are performing cunnilingus, YOU KNOW YOU ARE DOING A SHIT JOB. I’ve never seen one that didn’t swell just a little when it was happy. I’ll talk about what to do if you realize you’re doing a shit job later.

Don’t confuse the clitoris with the inner labia, please. Yes, they’re connected, and when the inner labia are about as thick as the clitoris you can expect that a woman will feel pleasure if you lick them, especially at the intersection point of clitoris/inner labia. You’re probably going to get more results by identifying the scope of the clitoris and training your efforts there, however and attention to the clitoris should be, even if non-exclusive, more of a priority than tinkering with the inner labia. The clitoris will probably be the part that swells the most, and will probably be the most sensitive part. I’ve circled the clitoris and inner labia in different colors in a number of different pussies here. Note that you can’t always see them. Some folds gotta be pulled back. Try get an idea of what to expect, won’t you?

If a woman doesn’t shave/wax, you probably can’t do much with the outer labia. If she does shave, an occasional tangent in that direction might be beneficial - or totally unwelcome. After you understand how to use your tongue properly (See Part 3), try such a tangent out and see how it goes. I’ve circled the outer labia in a number of different pussies here to show you what they might look like.

In fact, the first thing you should do as you make your way down on a new woman (and, for the love of the gods, take your time getting there and show some love to the nipples/hips/thighs/etc. on the way) is get to know her in a sense more biblical than the biblical.

If you don’t know where to begin, think of her body as a dartboard with the clitoris at the center and her mouth at the upper edge, with about a million rings of scoring in between. You want your mouth to kiss along the edge of the dartboard in an inward spiral until you get to the bullseye, and then you just keep on kissing. We’ll talk about how to vary your intensity later.

This process is really about getting to know this particular woman, and if you’re in a rush, you should save it for when you have more time. Once you know the woman, you can skip the outer rings or start with intense stroke. But you’ll never do a good job if you don’t know this particular pussy well enough to please it, and it takes some time to get there. it’s worth taking the time to figure out what works for this lady first.

So, YOUR KISSING MOUTH SHOULD START SOFT. As you make your way as far around the dartboard spiral as you can on her body, try slightly harder strokes of the tongue, harder kisses, a little sucking. She may show pleasure by moaning or crying out or purring or simply with a tensing of the muscles. Pay attention to what she responds to positively, and, more importantly, if she responds to any level of pressure or particular action negatively. If she does respond to something negatively, eliminate it from your repertoire immediately, and note what it was about her reaction that seemed negative so you can be sensitive to it going forward.

As you follow the spiral down, make the concentric circles progressively smaller, but keep thinking like you’re kissing her mouth. In fact, you should try to make the last concentric circle with one unified, even-paced circle of the tongue that maps the border of the clitoris as it falls into the body. Let your tongue slide here; it’s one of the only times pointing it works well, and the pointed end should travel the circle around her clit so that it touches only the edge of the inner labia. Congratulations, you’ve found the clitoris. I hope you took some mental notes on what parts of her were also responsive on the way there. You’ll need those notes for Part 2, to follow, and don’t forget to check out the book here (free preview here on Rap Genius).

To go on to part 2, click this annotation.