[Chorus: Stan Marsh]
What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now?
He'd make a plan, and he'd follow through
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[Verse 1: Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman]
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold
He did two Salchows and a triple Lutz
While wearing a blindfold
When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears
He used his magical fire breath
And saved the maidens fair

[Chorus: Stan Marsh & Kyle Broflovski]
So what would Brian Boitano do
If he were here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[Verse 2: Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski & Stan Marsh]
I want this V-chip out of me
It has stunted my vocabulary
And I just want my mom
To stop fighting everyone
For Wendy I'll be an activist too
'Cause that's what Brian Boitano would do!
[Chorus: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski & Eric Cartman]
And what would Brian Boitano do?
He'd call all the kids in town
And tell them to unite for truth
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[Interlude: Brian Dennehey, Stan Marsh & Kyle Broflovski]
Did someone say my name?
Who are you?
I’m Brian Dennehey
What? No, not fucking Brian Dennehey!
Yeah, get the fuck outta here!
Oh, bye

[Verse 3: Eric Cartman with Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski]
When Brian Boitano traveled through time
To the year 3010
He fought the evil robot king
And saved the human race again
And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids
He beat up Kubla Khan
'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from
Anybody!

[Chorus: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski & Eric Cartman]
So let's call all the kids together
And unite to stop our moms
And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too
'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too
'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!