(MR WORMWOOD)

Somewhere on a show I heard
That a picture tells a thousand words
So telly, if you bothered to take a look
Is the equivalent, of like, lots of books!

All I know I learned from telly
This big beautiful box of facts
If you know a thing already
Baby, you can switch the channel over just like that

Endless joy and endless laughter...
Folks living happily ever after...
All you need to make you wise
Is 23 minutes plus advertisements

Why would we waste our energy?
Turning the pages 1, 2, 3
When we can sit comfortably
On our lovely bumferlies
Watching people singing and talking and doing stuff?!

All I know I learned from telly
The bigger the telly, the smarter the man!
You can tell from my big telly
Just what a clever fella I am!
(spoken)
Take it away, son
(Michael plunks out a few notes on a guitar)
You can't learn that from a stupid book

All I know I learned from telly -
What to think and what to buy
I was pretty smart already
But now I'm really, really smart - very very smart
Endless content, endless channels...
Endless chat on endless panels...
All you need to fill your muffin
Without having to really fink or nothing!

Why would we waste our energy
Trying to work out "Ulysses"
When we can sit happily
On our lovely bapperlies
Watching slightly famous people
Talking to really famous people?

All I know I learned from telly
The bigger the telly, the smarter the man!
You can tell from my big telly
Just what a clever fella I am!
Who the dickens is Charles Dickens?
Mary Shelley? Cor, she sounds smelly
Harry Potter? What a rotter
Jane Austen? In the compostin'
James Joyce? Doesn't sound noice
Ian McEwan? Ugh, I feel like spewin'
William Shakespeare? Schwilliam Schmakespeare
Moby Dick? Easy Grandma!

All together now!

All I know I learned from telly
The bigger the telly, the smarter the man!
You can tell from my big telly
Just what a clever fella I am!

Thank you very much!