[HESTER, spoken]
I believe they call it a glitzy finale

[CHARLES, spoken]
A glitzy finale?

[HESTER, spoken]
A glitzy finale

[MONTAGU, spoken]
Well, I like it

[CHARLES, spoken]
We have our orders

[MONTAGU, spoken]
Let’s go!
(sung)
So, step one: the war was won
Both sides with relief laid down their guns
Germany conceded the match in the end
Though we may have had a little help from our friends

[WILLIE WATKINS & COMPANY]
I, I got a good feeling (USA!)
I’m feeling good about this war
(We came and saved the day)
Sure, fascism sure took a beating
But that ain’t no reason for them to feel sore
La da da
Yes you (Do do do)
Have been defeated
Look at these guys!
They’re losers but they just don’t mind
(Doodley doo wah, oo-wooby-do woo)
‘Cos when the chips are down and you’ve lost your way
There’s a home for you in the USA
So don’t mope, ya dopes!
‘Cause we’re all feeling fine!
Make America great again!
[WILLIE WATKINS, spoken]
Ha ha, let’s see what’s happening in Europe!

[HASELDEN]
Oh, life is tough in sleepy Spain
Where we have chosen to remain
With a platter of tapas and croquet in the sun

[ASSISTANT]
It’s a nightmare, sir

[HASELDEN]
Well, if we’re feeling hot

[ASSISTANT]
Who needs a beer?

[SPANISH CORONER]
A bit of wine and fizzy pop

[HASELDEN, COMPANY & ASSISTANT]
What’s that?
Sangria!
We’re not going back!
Well, fancy that!
We’re immigrants
No, we’re British
We’re expats!
[HASELDEN, spoken]
I wonder what's going on in England...

[COCKNEY ENSEMBLE, spoken]
Back to London!
It’s the future!
But these are the only hats we’ve got!
Oi!
(sung)
Would you know this Fleming fella
Has gone and written yet another hot bestseller

[FLEMING & COMPANY]
So he’s wearing a shiny tuxedo
Wow!
And then he shoots a baddy with a big gun!
Kapow!
A martini, good sir?
Make it shaken, not stirred
And then he snogs a sexy lady, with full tongue!
My word, he’s a genius!
The best writer since Jesus!
God that’s brilliant, but listen to this!

[COCKNEY URCHIN, spoken]
Ha’penny for me, guv’nor?
[COMPANY, spoken]
What century are you in?

[COCKNEY URCHIN, spoken]
Yay!

[JEAN, spoken]
Gather round, gentlemen. It’s time for a lesson on being useful
(sung)
Now that I’ve proved I’ll fight for my nation
I’m here with a clear declaration
We’re saving the day
So keep your Earl Grey
‘Cos Sarge, you’re in charge of your own hydration
Yes, the fight will not end here
But we can shout our message clear
We make our own luck
We never give up
Got a taste of this life and from now we do not give a—

[HESTER, spoken]
Miss Leslie! Language!

[COMPANY]
All the ladies!
On your marks, get set
Take this world for all you can get!
We’re making a change and we’re not finished yet
Now the coast is clear and it’s time to move on up!
(spoken)
But what about Monty?
(sung)
Lights!
Move on up!
Camera!
Move on up!
Action!
Move on up!
Move on up!
Move on up!

[MONTAGU & COMPANY]
I’ll tell the story of our perfect body
Ooh, Monty
Now I’m going down in history
Oh Monty, you’re so clever!
People through the ages
Brave!
On silver screens and stages
So brave!
They’ll see my genius clinched our victory because
Just for tonight you’ve watched heroes
Who taught the world how to win
(We taught the world how to win)
So let the champagne and cheese flow
‘Cause it’s all down to one man
It’s thanks to his great plan
And that is when England decided to make him our King!
All hail the King!

[MONTAGU, spoken]
Cut! Reset, please!
Right, where is my Cholmondeley?

[ACTOR, spoken]
Here, hi

[MONTAGU, spoken]
There you are, good man
Right, for the next take I need more abject adoration

[ACTOR, spoken]
Uh, if you want such an accurate replication
Why don’t you get the real guy to do it?

[MONTAGU, spoken]
What? Charlie?
Oh no, he wasn’t quite right for the part, in the end

[ACTOR, spoken]
What, the part of himself?

[MONTAGU, spoken]
Exactly! Not believable

[ACTOR, spoken]
Well, what’s he doing instead?

[CHARLES & MONTAGU]
I’m afraid I cannot tell you
What I went on to do
Who knows?
But where I go is need-to-know, I won’t give one clue
Back to me
So don’t ask me to tell you
It’s classified
Soon praises will be due
So you won’t hear my name or what I became
To Ewen Montagu
‘Cos when the clever clogs are the captains
You’re certain to succeed
For some were born to follow
Every inch forward must be discreet
But we were born to lead
You may not see us
We are the masters
Behind the scenes
We are the clever men who hold the reins
We work
We win!
But not for fame
You’ll see
We do our duty
Forever after
Without a fuss

[CHARLES & MONTAGU, together]
And when this war is done and fades to dust

[CHARLES & MONTAGU]
History will remember us
We made a change and that’s enough
And no one needs to know how we were
The world needs to know we were

[COMPANY]
Making a man
Making a hero
Quick as we can
The nation’s in need of a marvellous man
A dependable dreamboat
A shining example of what humans can be
Making a man

[BEVAN, spoken]
And... that’s about it, sir
Who was he? Who was who?
Oh, the man who wasn’t Major Bill Martin?
Now that the mission was a success, I doubt that anyone will ever really need to know

[HESTER, spoken]
But luckily, Montagu’s stolen files were the starting point to solve one final mystery

[CHARLES, spoken]
His name was Glyndwr Michael
(sung)
A gardener come from Cardiff to London

[JEAN]
Out of desperation

[CHARLES]
Born on the wrong side of the tracks

[BEVAN]
A life lived on the line

[CHARLES]
No family left to mourn him or wonder

[HESTER]
Just a lonely soul

[CHARLES]
What happened when he fell through the cracks

[MONTAGU]
A man of no renown

[CHARLES]
The history books are sure men like Bill Martin won this fight
But to forget the ones behind him
Well, it never seemed quite right
Though it took fifty years to get it
And a government to let it
In Huelva a memorial now stands
Looking out across the sea upon the sands
(spoken)
It reads…

[SUBMARINE CREW, spoken]
"For Glyndwr Michael
Who served as Major William Martin."

[CHARLES, spoken]
“The man who never was.”
(sung)
If it’s down, it’s down together

[COMPANY]
If it’s up, it’s up as one
So sail on, boys, through stormy weather
Soon the journey will be done
If it’s down, it’s down together
If it’s up, it’s up as one
So sail on, boys, through stormy weather
Soon the journey will be done!