Napoleon's a pastry
Bismarck is a herring
Alexander's a crème de cacao mixed with rum
And Herbie Hoover is a vacuum

Columbus is a circle and a day off
Pershing is a square, what a pay-off
Julius Caesar is just a salad on a shelf
So, little brother, get wise to yourself

Life's a bowl and it's full of cherry pits
Play it big and it throws you for a loop
That's the way with fate, comes today, we're great
Comes tomorrow, we're tomato soup

Napoleon's a pastry
Get this under your brow
What once useta be a roosta'
Is just a dusta' now
Napoleon's a pastry

DuBarry is a lipstick
Pompadour's a hairdo
Good Queen Mary just floats along from pier to pier
Venus De Milo is a pink brassiere

Sir Gladstone is a bag, ain't it shocking?
And the mighty Kaiser, just a stocking
The Czar of Russia is now a jar of caviar
And Cleopatra is a black cigar

Yes, my honey lamb, Swift is just a ham
Lincoln's a tunnel, Coolidge is a dam
Yes, my noble lads, comes today, we're fads
Comes tomorrow, we are subway ads

Homer is just a swat
Get this under your brow
All these bigwig controversials
Are just commercials now

Better get your jug of wine
And loaf of love
Before that final vow

Napoleon's a pastry
Caesar is a salad
Get it while you're able