There once lived a boy, or rather, a man
Who loved a young woman and hatched a great plan
He thought he should share all his feelings inside
Those feelings he felt he should no longer hide
So he hitched up his courage and ran to her side
Hoping to open his heart open wide
But I was right there saying, "Buddy, beware."
With McGoochy McWisdom I thought I'd McShare
Oh, there's so many ways you have not thought this through
Yes, you feel things for her. What does she feel for you?
Your feelings are big. Ah, but hers may be smaller
She may have big feelings for one who is taller
Or richer or cooler, this has been the trend
So think this thing through, my full-feeling friend
You're a smart-seeming kid, keep a lid on this blaze
Your feelings could burn you in so many ways

(So many ways) so many ways
(So many ways
You've not thought this through in so many ways)

'Cause there's so many ways you will not measure up
If you're counting them now, then the answer is "Yup."
You've no self-assurance, you always soft-pedal
You have no Newberry or Caldecott Medal
I own my apartment and probably a boat
Thanks to whimsical, swimsical classics I wrote
And a girl on the go likes a player who pays
And your poachers won't float in oh so many ways
(So many ways) so many ways
(So many ways)

Oh there's so many ways you are going to get hurt
Has she been to my place? Have I been up her skirt?
You can't know, you can't know, she will not tell you so
So you'll go and imagine a slow blow-by-blow
And there in your head I'll be so good in bed
You'll concoct that her cooch likes McGooch there instead
When I do the deed every dame's in a daze
My deed does it deeper in so many ways

(So many ways) so many ways
(So many ways)

I have experience, I have the skills
I'm wiser and Pfizer supplies me with pills
But do what you want, fella, nerve up and tell her
You love her and need her and wait like Old Yeller
As she pulls the trigger and right down you go
Like a pitiful pooch. Yes, McGooch, told you so