[Verse 1]
There once was an empire chase
Known as a great, great game
And one of its rooks came from Stoke-on-Trent
And Mortimer was his name

An impotent tea-bag spazz
Pride of the vicar caste
Sent off to Asia
Expansion land
Determined to be a man

Determined to be a man
Determined to be a man
Determined to be a man
Determined to be a man

[Verse 2]
He loved a nice sag aloo
The long, lazy afternoons
But soon he was singing a different tune
It went something just like this

[Instrumental interlude]

[Verse 3]
A billion flies on a horse's tail
The spirit of a late, lame Raj
Punjabi's finest, bring me your wine list
As the news comes across the air today

"Tension grows in Afghanistan
Carbine bullets could settle the score"
I had a crap gin and tonic, it wounded me
Send me way off on one

Sent me way off on one
Sent me way off on one
Sent me way off on one
Sent me way off on one, oh yeah

[Outro]
You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah

Sent me way off on one, two, three, four