Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a place
To lose the weight of the world and put a smile on your face?
Have the time of your life
Bring the kids and the wife
And you never have to worry ’bout death or blunt-force trauma

Go to Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley
Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley
He’s made a change or two
Now it’s safer for me and you
Because what else would a responsible adult do
At Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley

The first thing that you notice when you walk in the door
The pins are made out of Nerf, and they’re nailed to the floor
And with your rental shoes
You also choose
A set of knee pads, shoulder pads
Elbow pads, shin guards
Chest protector, face mask
Codpiece and a helmet

Down at Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley
Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley
The square balls might not roll
And they have handles instead of holes
But having lots of fun is not the primary goal
At Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley

You can only bowl three frames every hour
To guard against carpal tunnel
They still have Rock-n-Bowl, but not at the same time
To guard against fire, he took out the fryer
And there is no food you can eat with your hands
But you can have all of the beer that you want
When you get home

From Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley
Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley
Free earplugs to deaden the sound
And the balls only weigh three pounds
But there’s a Starbucks inbetween every single lane
At Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley
And a brand-new, state-of-the-art digital scoring system
But we can’t figure out how to use it
Right next door to Chick McGee’s Pocket-Pool Hall
Mr. Safety’s Bowling Alley