Mr. Bonds, Mr. Bonds Have you ever taken steroids?
“I’m really getting tired Of these baseless allegations
I’m just a normal guy trying to make a living
I never took a steroid in my life”

Did you take HGH?
“No”
Trenbolone?
“No”
Or testosterone decanoate?
“No”
Insulin?
“No”
Flintstones chewables?
“No”
You never have used performance enhancers at all?
“Yeeeaaaaaaaaah…”

What about all the people who swore they saw you take them?
“They are all just jealous because I am so awesome
It’s just a big conspiracy
Perpetrated by racists
I never took a steroid in my life”

Did you get acne?
“No”
Lose your hair?
“No”
Uncontrollable fits of rage?
“NO!!!!!”
Have your testicles shrunken in size?
“No”
Any side effects from the hormone they give to cows?
“Moooo…”

What about your mistress and the house in Arizona?
(Whinny) (clop clop clop) (snort)
“How can she be my mistress
Since I mysteriously lost my sex drive?
I never touched that woman in my life
She’s just a really good friend
Who helped pick up my prescriptions
I never took a steroid in my life
And now I have to go
If I can fit my head through the doorway
I never took a steroid in my life”