Mother’s Day is here
Everybody give a cheer
For the ladies that we call our Mother Dear

I tried to find a card
But you know, it’s really hard
To find the one that captures all the love that’s in my heart

And so instead, I’m singing you this song
Because I am so grateful to you, Mom…

So I say
Thanks for having intercourse with dad
Without a condom, sponge or IUD
Your lack of objection to sex without protection
Made a sperm and egg turn into me

You gave me life, love, a home, and food and clothing every day
I gave you stretch marks and extra weight that never quite went away

I mean it
Thanks for having intercourse with dad
The carnal act that brought me here to you
I don’t know if it was varied or merely missionary
But it sure was good for me; was it for you?

I’m elated that you mated
Your love you consummated
You got inseminated
Then waited and inflated
Inside you I gestated
Until from your womb I cascaded

Thank you Mom…for doing…my Dad!
(I’m so glad that he had you, thanks for doing my Dad)