[Instrumental]

[Verse 1]
I'll tell you the ballad of Timothy Beggs
No antennae and hairy legs
A couple of fangs and poison glands
And a negative attitude

[Instrumental]

[Verse 2]
Tim left home, hit a very low ebb
Off to make a life beyond the web
His mummy ate his daddy, their love went wrong
So who could Timothy trust?

[Chorus]
You can't guide a spider out of trouble
If he won't listen to you
He'll soon find himself on the wrong side
Of the stomping foot or insecticide

[Verse 3]
Tim hit skids with arachnid kids
Hangin' out in cupboards and saucepan lids
Scaring the humans out of their wits
By trying to act real cool
[Chorus]
You can't guide a spider out of trouble
If he won't listen to you
He'll soon find himself on the wrong side
Of the stomping foot or insecticide

[Instrumental]

[Verse 4]
Timothy Beggs met his doom
Crushed by a thong in a dark bathroom
Crushing his thorax and abdomen
Spreading green and yellow goo

[Chorus]
You can't guide a spider out of trouble
If he won't listen to you
He'll soon find himself on the wrong side
Of the stomping foot or insecticide
You can't guide a spider out of trouble
If he won't listen to you
He'll soon find himself on the wrong side
Of the stomping foot or insecticide (Hisssss)

[Instrumental]