[Verse 1]
I left school and hit the high street
Had my youth in six weeks flat
Top shelf dust and Glastonbury
Learnt to be a secretary

[Chorus]
If I can't have it, nobody can
You follow the instructions, it's all part of the plan
When you start as you mean to go on

[Verse 2]
Let's get married, let's have children
Split up when we're twenty-two
Cut our losses, screw our bosses
Get out while we're still young

[Chorus]
If I can't have it, nobody can
You follow the instructions, it's all part of the plan
When you start as you mean to go on

[Bridge]
Paradise often falls apart

[Verse 3]
Home improvements for amusement
Smash this place to smithereens
Don't forget to pay the premiums
Go abroad, don't leave the gas on
[Chorus]
If I can't have it nobody can
You follow the instructions, it's all part of the plan
When you start as you mean to go on
When you start as you mean to go on