Well, I'm six-foot-nothing of muscle and bone
With my Colt .45, I weigh seventeen stone
Got a Stetson hat and a big cigar
And I clean up trouble with my little tin star

Law and order, trouble in a bulletproof vest
Law and order, I'm the troubleshooting king of the west

Well, I cleaned up the commies and the long-haired bums
All the Chinee, queers and Red Indian scum
I cleaned out the liquor, loose women and dope
And put the uppity niggers on the end of a rope

Law and order, trouble in a bulletproof vest
Law and order, I'm the troubleshooting king of the west

My mommy held Tupperware parties
Had acne when I was a boy
I headed out west, expanded my chest
Now they treat me like the real McCoy

Now I put up my feet and get plenty of rest
'Cause I've done my duty and I'm proud, I guess
But I know Uncle Sam would never settle for less
Now the town's so damn clean, there ain't nobody left
Law and order, trouble in a bulletproof vest
Law and order, I'm the troubleshooting king of the west
Law and order, trouble in a bulletproof vest
I'm the cotton-pickin', highfalutin
Rootin'-tootin', put-the-boot-in
Troubleshooting king of the west