[Big musical introduction]

[Sound of door opening, and Bluebottle runs up to microphone, where Neddie Seagoon is waiting]

Bluebottle: Oh! Hello everybody! [fx: boos, raspberries]
Seagoon: Just the lad I've been looking for
Oh!

Clamber on my head, Fred
Whence all but you have fled, Fred
There is no contesting
I've no way of manifesting
How much I'd prefer you dead, Fred
Oh I'm glad you like me, my Captain 'cause I trust you too

Gratify your whim, Jim
Jim? What happened to Fred?
He changed his name
What to?
Chunky
Tell me, can you swim Jim?
No, Jim can not swim
Then step upon this plank, son
On the river bank, son
Which I have carefully arranged so that it will suddenly tip up and throw you into thirty feet of muddy water as you upset the trim, by stepping on the rim, Jim
I say, it's not for deading me, is it Captain?
Oh course not, dear boy! Just walk along it a bit further!
Righty-ho then. Ahh. Here I am on the edge of the nice little wooden-type plank. [fx: plank creakin]
It's a lovely day for a naughty plank walk
Arg! Oh! YAHHH!
You've drowneded me. I do not like this game
[sings]
I've got those "When I say I trust you I don't want to be drownded
'cause I do not like those kind of game" Blues
I don't like naughty tricks that go sploo-gee splat
They say harm can come to a young lad like that
And I do not like explosions that blow me back for Christmas
Out of my el-seaside bel-bottom shoes
I don't like being wetted by nasty April showers
And I do not like being nutted by Eifel and Blackpool towers
So I do not want to be drowned, nutted, deaded, hitted, splatted pledded!
I don't like that kind of type blues -- I don't like that
I've got them Bluebottle Blues

Still alive?
Take this cigarette, pet
Oh ta
No, don't light it yet, pet
[Much further away] All right, now you can light it
Are you sure that I won't be deaded or nothing, Captain?
No, no -- don't be frightened!
All right then, I'll just put a match to it, and ....
[BOOOM]

[over explosion] You rotten swine you! You deaded me again
I shan't play this rotten game no more
Picks up fractured knee caps, replaces lug in lughole and exits through little hole in middle of record
[sound of Bluebottle doing same]
[Heavy boots approaching microphone]
(Milligan, unaccompanied) I'm walking backwards for Christmas --
Oh no, that's on the other side, isn't it!