Good evening, I'm from Essex
In case you couldn't tell, my given name is Dickie
I come from Billericay and I'm doing very well

Had a love affair with Nina in the back of my Cortina
A seasoned-up hyena could not have been more obscener
She took me to the cleaners and other misdemeanours
But I got right up between her rum and her Ribena

Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky if candy-floss is sticky
I'm not a blinking thicky, I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I bought a lot of Brandy when I was courting Sandy
Took eight to make her randy and all I had was shandy
Another thing with Sandy what often came in handy
Was passing her and Mandy she didn't half go bandy

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky if I ever took the mickey
I'm not a flipping thicky, I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I'd rendez-vous with Janet, quite near the Isle of Thanet
She looked more like a gannet, she wasn't half a prannet
Her mother tried to ban it, her father helped me plan it
And when I captured Janet, she bruised her pomegranate
Oh, you ask Joyce and Vicky if I ever shaped up tricky
I'm not a blooming thicky, I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

You should never hold a candle if you don't know where it's been
The jackpot is in the handle on a normal fruit machine

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky who's there favourite brickie
I'm not a common thicky, I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I know a lovely old toe-rag obliging and noblesse
Kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness
My given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
I thought you'd never guess

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky a pair of squeaky chickies
I'm not a flaming thicky, I'm Billericay Dicky
And I'm doing very well

Oh golly, oh gosh, come and lie on the couch
With a nice bit of posh from Burnham-on-Crouch
My given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
And I ain't a slouch

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky about Billericay Dickie
I ain't an effing thicky, you ask Joyce and Vicky
I'm doing very well