[RICHARD]
Poor, unsuccessful and fat
Who would’ve thought I would end like that?
Surely, in no time, you’ll be back to normal
In your evening formal
I’ll be poor, unsuccessful
Poor, unsuccessful and fat
And getting older

Plus, have you noticed I sweat?
I have a list of things I regret
Don’t tell this story to little children
Cause you're gonna scare them
How I’m poor, unsuccessful
Poor, unsuccessful and fat
And getting older, getting greyer
Stop me if you’ve heard this before
Cause if you’ve heard this before
Hell, it’s just more of the same

[GORDON]
Well

[RICHARD]
Help me
I’m a player
Who’ll never make it
I won’t make, I won’t make it
[GORDON]
No, no, no, no, no, no!

[RICHARD]
Once I was practically thin
Now I can eat like I’m Rin Tin Tin
Soon you’ll be back home
A success in training
I’ll be here complaining
That I’m poor, unsuccessful
Poor, unsuccessful and fat
And getting older

[GORDON]
I am not successful
I am not so damn successful

[RICHARD]
I’m getting older

[GORDON]
I am not successful
I am not so damn successful

[RICHARD]
I’m getting older
[MR. BUNGEE]
You’re not successful

[GORDON]
I am not successful

[MR. BUNGEE]
You’re too old to be a failure

[GORDON]
I’m too old to be a failure

[MR. BUNGEE]
Your future's looking cloudy

[GORDON]
My future’s looking cloudy

[MR. BUNGEE]
And your sister is a whore

[GORDON]
My sister’s a receptionist!

[MR. BUNGEE]
Bet your tush you’re unsuccessful
Don’t mean to make this more stressful
Than it’s already become
But you’re poor, unsuccessful and dumb
Poor, unsuccessful and dumb
And untalented
Poor, unsuccessful and dumb
And untalented
Morbid, psychotically grim and untalentedThat’s what we say about him
He’s untalented![GORDON]
I'm untalented![THE MINISTER]
Good evening
[GORDON]
Hello

[THE MINISTER]
Schwinn, is that German Protestant?

[GORDON]
Schwinn is German Jewish

[THE MINISTER]
Ah, well, the Lord is
Kind and all-knowing

[GORDON]
Thank you for coming
Thank you for going

[THE MINISTER]
Goodnight

[GORDON]
Goodnight