[BENJY STONE, spoken]
My name is Benjy Stone and 1954 was my favorite year. Not my best year, not the year I had the most success, but my favorite year. It's the year that separated my life into before and after. You see, in 1954 I made the jump from smart ass kid from the deli pushing a joke with every cruller, to freshman writer on TV's hottest show: The King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade. And every Saturday night at 8 p.m. we went on the air...live!

[STAGE MANAGER, spoken]
Five minutes!

[BENJY, spoken]
God, once, just once, I wanted to sneak in and diddle the clock so we'd go on the air five minutes early; so America would see the show before the show. But back then they were a lot more careful about violence on television.

[KING KAISER]
Aargh!
I'm missing a button!

[SY BENSON]
This is crap!

[K.C. DOWNING]
Who's missing the last two pages?

[KING KAISER]
They told me the caveman sketch was out!

[ALICE MILLER]
Would somebody shoot me

[SY]
Total crap!
[BENJY]
Who ordered the black no sugar?

[CHORUS GIRLS]
Together now, 5-6-7-8!

[ALL]
Five minutes to go!
Ohh

Twenty million people
No, twenty million plus
Twenty million plus Americans
Watching us!

Curling up on sofas
Calling in their pets
Passing out the popcorn
Turning on their television sets!

Twenty million ordinary folks

[KING]
And your careers go down the drain
If they don't like the jokes!
[ALL]
Ninety little minutes to get right
In front of twenty million people
Tonight!

[BENJY, spoken]
That's King Kaiser, star of Comedy Cavalcade. A great guy.

[KING, spoken]
This is crap!

[BENJY, spoken]
Honest. And these are my fellow writers. Sy Benson, head writer. Also known as "the ulcer who walks like a man." And here's Alice Miller and Herb Lee, two people joined at the funny bone.

[ALICE, spoken]
Sy, these jokes are old enough to vote. You gotta make some cuts.

[SY, spoken]
No cuts! Nobody touches my material. Nobody!

[KING, spoken]
Sy, you cut those dogs out of the monologue yet?

[SY, spoken]
Dead and gone, King baby.
[ALL]
Twenty million reasons
We're guaranteed to bomb
Twenty million small catastrophes
But we're calm!

Facing every challenge
Performing at our peak
Ninety little minutes up the creek
In front of twenty million people

[BENJY, spoken]
K.C. Downing, assistant to the producer. She's nuts about me. K.C.! We all set for out regular date after the show?

[K.C., spoken]
Regular date? We don't have a "regular date." We had one date at which you completely humiliated me.

[BENJY, spoken]
I thought you liked my walrus impression.

[K.C., spoken]
I was planning to eat those breadsticks!

[BENJY, spoken]
I am in love with the Breck Girl!

[BENJY, sung]
It felt like paradise
It felt like war
It felt like
It felt like 1954
It was the best time I'd ever known
My first jokes were on the air,
My first credits shining there:
Benjy Stone

[FLOOR MANAGER, spoken]
Benjy!

[BENJY]
Benjy Stone

[FLOOR MANAGER, spoken]
Stone! Telephone.

[BENJY, spoken]
Hello?

[BELLE STEINBERG CAROCCA, spoken]
Benjamin darling, this is your mother.

[BENJY, spoken]
Mom, it's almost show time!

[BELLE, spoken]
I'm calling only to remind you, you're coming here for dinner tomorrow night.

[BENJY, spoken]
Yeah, I know!

[BELLE, spoken]
You bringing cake?

[BENJY, spoken]
Oh mom, I'm kinda busy now.

[BELLE, spoken]
Cause if you are I'll tell Rookie that he shouldn't stop at Kupperman's when he picks up the newspaper in the morning.

[BENJY, spoken]
I'll bring cake, okay?

[BELLE, spoken]
Fruit or crumb?

[BENJY, spoken]
Whatever you want.

[BELLE, spoken]
Benjamin darling, I want whatever you want.

[BENJY, spoken]
Crumb.

[BELLE, spoken]
Fruit would be better.

[BENJY, spoken]
Fruit.

[BELLE, spoken]
Oi-oi-oi, the show is coming on. I can't talk right now. Kisses, Benjamin. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

[BENJY, spoken]
Mwah, mwah, mwah!

[BENJY, sung]
It's Saturday night!

[KING/WARDROBE LADY]
I need a new zipper!

[SY/HERB LEE]
This is crap![K.C./CHOREOGRAPHER]
Who's missing the last two pages?[ALICE]
Oh my god![KING]
They told me they cut King Tut last night![WARDROBE LADIES/MAKEUP LADIES]
Would somebody shoot me here and now![ALICE]
Oh my god![KING]
If only we had another week!

[CHORUS GIRLS]
Together now; 5-6-7-8!





[ALL]
One minute to go!

[DIVA]
Hi ya ta!

[BENJY]
God, what a show!

[ALL]
Twenty million people
Expecting something great
Twenty million

[FLOOR MANAGER]
Places, everyone!

[ALL]
It's too late!

[ALL]
Let the costumes fit, God!
Please keep me on the staff!
Make the show a hit, God!
Most of all, God,
Let the people laugh!
Twenty awful seconds to prepare!

[WOMEN]
You hold your breath

[MEN]
You pray for death

[ALL, spoken]
And then you're on the air!

[ALL, sung]
Ninety little minutes to survive
In front of twenty million people

[FLOOR MANAGER]
5, 4, 3, 2...

[KING, spoken]
Welcome to the King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade!

[ALL]
Live!