[Verse 1: Paul Heaton]
Your 'Fight them on the beaches' speeches make me despair
'Cause if there's one thing we can guarantee, it's you will not be there
Tidying your room, making up your bed
And if your diary's full that week, you'll send us lot instead

[Pre-Chorus 1: Heaton]
Send us lot instead
Put a poppy by my lover's bed
We believe you when you say you've
Hurt your back

[Chorus: Heaton, Dave Hemingway, Hemingway & Heaton]
Have you ever been away?
Where were you when we took Calais?

(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
(You don't know, you don't care
You're just glad that you wasn't there)

Have you ever been away?
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)

[Verse 2: Heaton]
I'm afraid your 'Rule Britannia' mania doesn't ring so true
If I was captain of the waves, I'd turn the gun on you
Any last requests before you join the dead?
Crap into your Union Jack and wrap it round your head
[Pre-Chorus 2: Heaton]
Wrap it round your head
Take a look at all the blood we've shed
We'll believe you when you say that
It was worth it

[Chorus: Heaton, Hemingway, Hemingway & Heaton]
Have you ever been away?
Where were you when we took Calais?

(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
(You don't know, you don't care
You're just glad that you wasn't there)

Have you ever been away?
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)

[Bridge: Briana Corrigan]
Liberate the streets of Europe, give our kids a chance
Give them Beaujolais by tap and cheap day trips to France
But you have never seen or smelt this ungodly death
It's like the stench of roasted lamb upon your father's breath

[Ad-lib: Corrigan]
[Refrain: Heaton, Hemingway, Hemingway & Heaton]
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
(You don't know, you don't care
You're just glad that you wasn't there)

Have you ever been away?
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
Aw, have you ever been away?
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)

Have you e-e-e-eeee?
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)

Oh, you don't know
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
No, you don't care
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
Ooh, you don't know, you don't care
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
You don't know
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)

Ooh, you don't care
You don't know, you don't care
Ah

[Instrumental]

[Outro: Hemingway]
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)

(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)
(I don't know, I don't care
I'm just glad that I wasn't there)