My mother said
That I never should
Play with the naughty rude girls in the wood

Their giggling talk
I could never understand
And that's why I fell in love with my right hand

And that's why

(Chorus)
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And I'm always pulling my pud

I was twenty five years old before I was kissed
And then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist
It's cheap and convenient
You can't catch VD
It's available at any time
And it's absolutely free

And that's why
(Chorus)
Oh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters
Thank you for having me and being oh so kind
I've got pains in my arms
And my dong is growing shorter
My knees have turned to water
And I think I'm going blind

I've wanked over Italy
I've wanked over Spain
I've wanked in an omnibus
I've even had a wank in a train

I've used a badger and a melon and a cat
An inflatable Linda Lovelace and a Davy Crocket hat

And that's why

(Chorus)
'Ere listen!

Oh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters
Thank you for having me and being oh so kind
I've got pains in my arms
And my dong is getting shorter
My knees have turned to water
And I think I'm going blind
(Chorus x6)
I'm a wanker!
I'm a wanker!
It does me good!
I'm a wanker!
I'm always pulling me pud!
I'm a wanker!
I'm a wanker!