[Verse 1]
Here's a little fact that you might not know
Before I was a hip-hop icon, yo
And before I was a top-level mic honcho
When I was a little kid, I did tae kwon do
My hero at the studio was named DC
He was a black belt of the second dee-gree
My parents had split up when I was a toddler
And DC felt like a replacement father
Friendly, (uh) warm, (uh) likable, and
He could break three concrete blocks with his hand
The coolest guy at the gym
And I hoped one day I would grow up to be like him
Now when DC free-sparred
He put on an athletic cup so that he could keep guard
Not a big deal, a lot of guys wore ’em
But only DC wore his on top of his uniform
But he was the grown-up
So I did the same thing when I got my own cup
And that was just fine until my fam moved
And I started at another dojo, brand new
Jaws must have dropped when I walked in the spot
With my pants underneath and my jock on the top
And poor little me did not have a clue
That was something you just didn't tae kwon do
[Hook]
Pull up a chair and move in close
Presenting for your amusement, folks
Use my quotes and my music notes
To learn your tae kwon do's and don’ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don’ts

[Verse 2]
As I passed into adolescence
I kept right at it, classes, lessons
Jumping around in PJs of white
As I lived through the most awkward phase of my life
Why was I trying to master these feats?
My body was changing as fast as my sheets
And the part that’s ironic is
Martial arts is supposed to give you confidence?
Hah!

[Pre-Hook]
Board breaks wearing braces: Did it
Getting punched in the acne: I did it
Passing out in class 'cause I had low blood pressure
From getting growth spurts: Did it
Voice cracks yelling "Hi-yah!": Did it
Trying pressure points on my mom: Did it
Wearing my Bart Simpson boxers to class
And you could see ’em right through my pants: Did it
[Hook]
Pull up a chair and move in close
Presenting for your amusement, folks
You just use my quotes and my music notes
To cold-learn your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don’ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts

[Verse 3]
Years later, Zach twelfth grade
Cup in the pants, (uh huh) black belt-made
And every Sunday morning, all us black belts would meet
For a boot camp workout with just the elite
Now one Sunday I awoke still high
Right after a marijuana smoke-filled night
I should have slept in but decided to sweat it out
So I grabbed my gym bag and I headed out
To the dojo, stressed and distraught
I was more of a mess from the pot than I thought
And my eyes were the size of a micron, so
I was not looking forward to high-kwon do
Now my black belt was a first degree
Which is as low as a BB can be
I was certainly the lowest-ranked there that day
So I got scared when I heard the sensei say
That we had a new skill to practice
We were gonna drill fighting back
Against multiple attackers
"And, Zach, you'll be the first victim
Everybody else? Ready? Get 'im!"
Ohh, I groaned
I couldn't have held my own if I hadn't been stoned
Let alone fried on the mar-i-juan-a
Shoulda stayed home: tae kwon-duh
[Pre-Hook]
Farting in the middle of pushups: Did it
Kicking a girl's titty by accident: Did it
Listening to Tag Team's "Whoomp There It Is"
To psych myself up before class: Did it
Testing for my black belt twice: Did it
Because I failed the first time: Did it
But feeling okay about failing
'Cause later that night I touched my first vagina? Did it

[Hook]
Tae kwon do's and don'ts
Tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Know your tae kwon do's and don'ts
Hiiiii-ya!