[HARRY]
Kids!
I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
Kids!
Who can understand anything they say?
Kids!
They are disobedient
Disrespectful oafs!
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy, loafers!
And while we're on the subject:
Kids!
You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
Kids!
But they still just do what they want to do!
Why can't they be like we were
Perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids today?

[MAE]
Kids!
I have tried to raise you the best I could
Kids!
All the things I've done were for your own good
Kids!
Can't you once appreciate
How I've sacrificed?
Working, slaving, scrimping, saving, pennies!
And living with your father
Kids!
No one knows the burdens I've had to bear
And in my condition
Kids!
I'm a poor sick woman and does he care? Ha!
Go on go on and kill me
That's what its coming to
When a mother has kids like you

[HARRY]
Kids!

[MAE]
All the chicken soup that I made for you!

[ALBERT}
Momma, take it easy

[HARRY]
Kids!

[MAE]
Now you throw me out like a worn-out shoe

[ALBERT]
Not in front of everybody
Mom, after all I haven't been such an awful son
I never sass you back or leave a ring around the bathtub
And don't I always phone you?

[MAE]
Kids!
You can give your life to 'em night and day

[HARRY]
Kids!
Then they go get married

[MAE]
Married? Ahh!

[HARRY]
And go away

[HARRY AND MAE]
Why do we have these children?

[HARRY]
Better to have a pet

[HARRY (spoken)]
You know where you stand with a pet
(Dog bites Harry on the leg)
Ahh! Eghhh!

[MAE]
I never asked for nothin'

[HARRY]
Nothin' is what you get

[MAE AND HARRY]
Oh, what's the matter with kids to-

(Spoken interlude)
[MAE]
I tried, Lou, but I failed

[ALBERT]
You didn't, momma, you didn't

[MAE]
Don't try to pay me back, sonny. I forgive you. So what if you're an ingrate? As long as you're happy

[ALBERT]
I don't want to be happy

[MAE]
Just make believe I'm a used car. Junk me. Leave me in the gutter

[ALBERT]
I'll never leave you, never!

[MAE]
You heard him! You're a witness

[ALBERT]
I promise, mama. I never broke a promise to my mama

[HARRY]
Good boy!

(Sung)
[HARRY AND MAE]
Why can't they be like Albert?

[ALBERT]
Perfect in every way

[RANDOLPH]
What's the matter with kids?

[ALBERT]
Yeah, what's the matter with kids?

{ENSEMBLE]
Nothing's the matter with kids today