[Intro: P. W. Botha]
My fellow South Africans, I feel it is time for me to tell you the facts as they really are
1. Bananas are marsupials
2. Cars run on gravy
3. Salmon live in trees and eat pencils
4. Reform in South Africa is on the way

[Verse 1]
I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru
I've had sunstroke in the arctic and a swim in Timbuktu
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a yeti in Nepal
And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall
I've met the king of China and the working Yorkshire miner
But I've never met a nice South African

[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant bastards
Who hate black people

[Verse 2]
I once got served in Woolies aften less than four week's wait
I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late
I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool
I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school
I've met a normal merman, and a fairly modest German
But I've never met a nice South African

[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers
Who smell like baboons

[Verse 3]
I've had a close encounter of the 22nd kind
That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind (pop)
I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings
I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings
I've seen a flying pig in a quite convincing wig
But I've never met a nice South African

[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths
With no sense of humour

[Verse 4]
I've met the Loch Ness monster and he looks like Fred Astaire
At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire
I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies
I met a man in Kathmandu who claimed to have two willies
I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle
And I've never met a nice South African

[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
Because we've never met one either
Except for Breyten Breytenbach, and he's emigrated to Paris

Yes, he's quite a nice South African
And he's hardly ever killed anyone
And he's not smelly at all
That's why we put him prison

[Outro: P. W. Botha, Mr. Welldone]
Frankly, Mr. Welldone, I'm fed up with people from Britain attacking my country for Apartheid
We treat the blacks very well indeed!
I actually employ several kaffirs here in my own home
But Mr. Botha, I haven't seen a single black since I entered this mansion
Haven't seen one? My God, man!
What do you think you wiped your feet on when you came in?