This here's a true story
About crossing the pond
At night
In the world’s smallest cockpit
On the tanker
Through the weather
Oh, to the tanker crew who did that
Thanks a lot, we really appreciated that

I'm just kidding
No I'm not

Well there I was, crossin’ the pond
And you could see that I wasn't exactly fond
Of all the shit I was wearing on that day

Now an F-16 is cramped enough
But it's even worse with all that stuff
Supposed to save your life, but we knew there was no way

'Cause if you're goin' down in the North Atlantic, man, it's over

Now about four hours into the flight
Well I got a little nervous 'cause it was still night
I’m on the wing of the tanker, man, and I gotta piss
So I started fuckin’ with the Jaws of Death
And before I knew it, well I was out of breath
Pissed off and cursin' and sayin’, "To hell with this!"

And I seriously considered just pissin' my pants

So, I finally got the fly undone
And I knew the next part would be twice as fun
Tryin' to get the gopher to pop on out of his hole

So I thought real hard about naked chicks
Lesbians and porno flicks
But none of that worked, because he knew that water was damn cold

And I cursed my daddy's name for makin’ me half-Polish

Well I knew that I would need a little help
To keep from pissin' all over myself
And if I held it any longer, well I'd give myself cancer

So in my hour of great despair
Well I offered up a simple prayer
To Jesus, hopin' that he might answer

And to paraphrase a bit, this is what I said:
Dear Lord, won't you give me a 12-inch penis
Just for an hour or two?
I'm stuck in the trenches
And I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through

Now my faith was strong, but my strength was lackin'
And I didn't have much time for this miracle to happen
So I thought the best thing to do was just help it along

So I started to pull, and it started to pinch
And I thought I might've squeezed out an extra inch
But that sucker was wedged in tighter than your grandma's thong

Yeah folks, I'm sorry; that was completely uncalled for

So I choked that fucker like a serial killer
It made me think about that movie, you know the one with Ben Stiller
Where the dude in the back was yelling, "He was masturbating!"

With the other hand, I reached for the bag
And I tried to take aim, but it was just a wag
And I knew my chances of success, they were quickly fadin'

And at this point I knew it would take an act of desperation
Now it was too much to hope I could get it to dangle
Hell, the best I could do was a ninety-degree angle
And hook-shot that son of a bitch like Dr. J

Now I never really thought about what was ensuin'
'Til I realized I couldn't see what the fuck I was doin'
And I paused for a second, and I began to pray

Dear Lord, you gotta give me this one

Dear Lord, won't you give me a 12-inch penis
Just for an hour or two?
I'm stuck in the trenches
And I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through

Now just about the time I started to go
Well old Mr. Winky, he started to grow
And before I knew it, he was at least a foot long

Now up in heaven, God got quite a laugh
'Cause it kept on goin', past a foot and a half
And before I knew it, I was holding a two-foot schlong

Now I know what you're thinkin', "What the hell is he gonna do with that?"

Now that was pretty much the end of my woes
Since now I had a johnson like a firehose
And in fact the whole problem was completely defused

Now what I did next you might think sleazy
But at this point pissin' was just too easy
And my newfound powers, well they just had to be used!

You know, for fightin' the forces of evil 'n' shit

Now when it was my turn to refuel
I thought it would be pretty fuckin' cool
If I did the whole thing with my hands behind my back

Now you might think that was the ultimate test
But the hardest part was really the ILS
'Cause I thought about your mom and I ended up well off track

Yeah, slightly above glideslope and climbin'

Now after I landed, that was the trick
'Cause what the hell you do with two feet of dick?
But it didn't matter much 'cause the Lord, he came to relieve me

'Cause when I tried to put it all back in the cup
Well it looked like my two hours were up
And I thought to myself, "Well who the hell will believe me?"

Well you can bet for damn sure it ain't gonna be my wife

Dear Lord, won't you give me a 12-inch penis
Just for an hour or two?
I'm stuck in the trenches
And I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through
Yeah I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through