I used to be such a happy guy
Thought things were good between my wife and I
But now I just hang my head in shame

Since the day that I found
The thing that turned my world upside-down
No, I'll never be the same

Since I found my wife's vibrator
Stuffed in a cotton sock
(My wife's vibrator)
A perfect replica of a cock
(My wife's vibrator)
It was so big and fat
How the hell could I compete with that?
My wife's vibrator

I picked it up; it weighed a ton
Took four D batteries to make it run
And the writing on the side said its name was "Slim"

Is this what it takes to feel alive?
Three fuckin' gears and an overdrive
When I turned it on, all the lights went dim

When I found my wife's vibrator
What is this all about
(My wife's vibrator)
That thing'll knock her fillin's out
(My wife's vibrator)
Don't you dare laugh
I swear to God, it's gonna split her in half
My wife's vibrator
She came home earlier than planned
With me holding Cock-Zilla in my hand
And I just stood there in a trance

She said, "Well, now that you know
Is there any chance you wanna give it a go?"
I just fell to the floor and I pissed my pants

When I found my wife's vibrator
I think they're full of shit
(My wife's vibrator)
There's no way you could make it fit
(My wife's vibrator)
Who did they model it on?
That motherfucker's got one hell of a schlong

My wife's vibrator
I found my wife's vibrator
Yes, I found my wife's vibrator
(My wife's vibrator)