>
If you want to spread the news, there are lots of ways to use
But the ordinary ways are much too slow
There is just one thing to do, here is my advice to you
Confidentially it's the fastest way I know

CHORUS
Don't telephone (don't telephone)
Don't telegraph (don't telegraph)
Tell a woman and the news will get around
Don't telephone (don't telephone)
Don't telegraph (don't telegraph)
Tell a woman and she'll tell the whole durn town

- [Mandolin solo] -

SPOKEN:
HOMER: Hey Jethro..
JETHRO: Hah?
HOMER: You know what a Whoozit is?
JETHRO: What’s a Whoozit?
HOMER: That’s one of them things that hangs on the wall…
JETHRO: Yeah
HOMER: It rings ever once in a while…
JETHRO: Yeah
HOMER: You pick up a little thing, you stick it up to your ear
JETHRO: Yeah
HOMER: And you say “Whoozit?”
JETHRO: Is that a joke?
HOMER: Uh huh. A-huh, a huh, a huh
Almost ev'ry Saturday I would pass the time away
Gambling with the boys, was always kind of nice
I was lucky as can be till a woman squealed on me
And she told 'em I was usin' loaded dice

SPOKEN:
“Shootin’ nickels”
“You’re fadin’”
… Ah, pick that thing!

Saw the cutest blonde one day, dancin' in the cabaret
And she swung her hips around from A to Zee
I said it don't mean a swing if you haven't got that swing
So she turned around and took a swing at me

CHORUS
Don't telephone (don't telephone)
Don't telegraph (don't telegraph)
Tell a woman and the news will get around
Don't telephone (don't telephone)
Don't telegraph (don't telegraph)
Tell a woman and she'll tell the whole durn town

Had a fight and shot a man when the Martin feud began
And I thought that I had covered up my trail
Now I sing a different song 'cause a woman done me wrong
And her gossip put me in the county jail
“Home again!”

CHORUS
Don't telephone (don't telephone)
Don't telegraph (don't telegraph)
Tell a woman and the news will get around
Don't telephone (don't telephone)
Don't telegraph (don't telegraph)
Tell a woman and she'll tell the whole durn town

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(Transcribed 22FEB2025 caj)