Black cards A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without ________. After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought ________ to the people of Haiti. Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of ________. And the Academy Award for ________ goes to ________. Anthropologists have recently discovered a primitive tribe that worships ________. BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ________. But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you ________. Coming to Broadway this season, ________: The Musical. Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with ________ and would like your advice. During Picasso's often-overlooked Brown Period, he produced hundreds of paintings of ________. During sex, I like to think about ________. For my next trick, I will pull ________ out of ________. How am I maintaining my relationship status? I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with ________. I drink to forget ________. I got 99 problems but ________ ain't one. I never truly understood ________ until I encountered ________. I'm sorry professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of ________. In 1,000 years when paper money is but a distant memory, ________ will be our currency. In L.A. County Jail, word is you can trade 200 cigarettes for ________. In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that ________ had really been ________ all along. In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about ________. In a world ravaged by ________, our only solace is ________. In an attempt to reach a wider audience, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has opened an interactive exhibit on ________. In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with ________ for the first time. Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children ________. It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with ________. Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to ________. Lifetime© presents ________, the story of ________. MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with ________. Major League Baseball has banned ________ for giving players an unfair advantage. Make a haiku. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's ________. Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of ________. Next on ESPN2, the World Series of ________. Rumor has it that Vladimir Putin's favorite dish is ________ stuffed with ________. Step 1: ________.
Step 2: ________.
Step 3: Profit. Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to ________. TSA guidelines now prohibit ________ on airplanes. That's right, I killed ________. How, you ask? ________. The class field trip was completely ruined by ________. This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but with ________. War! What is it good for? What am I giving up for Lent? What are my parents hiding from me? What did I bring back from Mexico? What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner? What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan? What do old people smell like? What does Dick Cheney prefer? What don't you want to find in your Chinese food? What ended my last relationship? What gets better with age? What gives me uncontrollable gas? What helps Obama unwind? What is Batman's guilty pleasure? What never fails to liven up the party? What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard? What will always get you laid? What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed? What's a girl's best friend? What's my anti-drug? What's my secret power? What's that smell? What's that sound? What's the crustiest? What's the most emo? What's the new fad diet? What's the next Happy Meal© toy? What's the next superhero/sidekick duo? What's there a ton of in heaven? When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of ________. When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate ________. When I was tripping on acid, ________ turned into ________. When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a Plague of ________. While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on ________. White people like ________. Why am I sticky? Why can't I sleep at night? Why do I hurt all over? ________ + ________ = ________. ________ is a slippery slope that leads to ________. ________. Betcha can't have just one! ________. High five, bro. ________. It's a trap! ________. That's how I want to die. ________: good to the last drop. ________: kid-tested, mother-approved. ________? There's an app for that. White cards 72 virgins. 8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin. A Bop It™. A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee. A bag of magic beans. A balanced breakfast. A big hoopla about nothing. A bleached asshole. A brain tumor. A can of whoop-ass. A clandestine butt scratch. A cooler full of organs. A death ray. A defective condom. A disappointing birthday party. A drive-by shooting. A falcon with a cap on its head. A fetus. A foul mouth. A gassy antelope. A gentle caress of the inner thigh. A good sniff. A gypsy curse. A homoerotic volleyball montage. A hot mess. A lifetime of sadness. A look-see. A mating display. A micropenis. A middle-aged man on roller skates. A mime having a stroke. A moment of silence. A monkey smoking a cigar. A mopey zoo lion. A murder most foul. A really cool hat. A robust mongoloid. A sad handjob. A salty surprise. A sassy black woman. A sausage festival. A sea of troubles. A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis. A stray pube. A thermonuclear detonation. A time travel paradox. A tiny horse. A windmill full of corpses. A zesty breakfast burrito. AIDS AXE Body Spray. Aaron Burr. Active listening. Actually taking candy from a baby. Adderall™. Agriculture. Alcoholism. All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99. Altar boys. American Gladiators. Amputees. An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. An Oedipus complex. An asymmetric boob job. An erection that lasts longer than four hours. An honest cop with nothing left to lose. An icepick lobotomy. Anal beads. Another goddamn vampire movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Asians who aren't good at math. Assless chaps. Attitude. Auschwitz. Authentic Mexican cuisine. Autocannibalism. BATMAN!!! Balls. Barack Obama. Bees? Being a dick to children. Being a motherfucking sorcerer. Being fabulous. Being marginalized. Being on fire. Being rich. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bingeing and purging. Bitches. Black people. Bling. Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars. Boogers. Breaking out into song and dance. Britney Spears at 55. Cards Against Humanity. Catapults. Centaurs. Chainsaws for hands. Charisma. Cheating in the Special Olympics. Child abuse. Child beauty pageants. Children on leashes. Chivalry. Christopher Walken. Chutzpah. Civilian casualties. Classist undertones. Coat hanger abortions. Cockfights. College. Concealing a boner Consultants. Copping a feel. Count Chocula. Crippling debt. Crystal meth. Cuddling. Customer service representatives. Cybernetic enhancements. Daddy issues. Darth Vader. Date rape. Dead babies. Dead parents. Dental dams. Dick Cheney. Dick fingers. Doin' it in the butt. Doing the right thing. Domino's™ Oreo™ Dessert Pizza. Drinking alone. Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up. Dry heaving. Dwarf tossing. Dying of dysentery. Dying. Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale. Eating the last known bison. Edible underpants. Elderly Japanese men. Embryonic stem cells. Emotions. Erectile dysfunction. Estrogen. Ethnic cleansing. Eugenics. Euphoria™ by Calvin Klein. Exactly what you'd expect. Exchanging pleasantries. Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor. Explosions. Famine. Fancy Feast©. Farting and walking away. Fear itself. Feeding Rosie O'Donnell. Fiery poops. Figgy pudding. Finger painting. Fingering. Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog. Five-Dollar Footlongs™. Flash flooding. Flesh-eating bacteria. Flightless birds. Flying sex snakes. Foreskin. Forgetting the Alamo. Former President George W. Bush. Free samples. Friction. Friendly fire. Friends who eat all the snacks. Friends with benefits. Frolicking. Full frontal nudity. Gandhi. Geese. Genghis Khan. Genital piercings. German dungeon porn. Getting drunk on mouthwash. Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon. Getting really high. Getting so angry that you pop a boner. Ghosts. Giving 110%. Glenn Beck being harried by a swarm of buzzards. Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook. Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts. Global warming. Gloryholes. GoGurt®. Goats eating cans. Goblins. God. Golden showers. Grandma. Grave robbing. Guys who don't call. Half-assed foreplay. Harry Potter erotica. Heartwarming orphans. Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II. Heteronormativity. Historically black colleges. Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine©. Homeless people. Hope. Hormone injections. Horrifying laser hair removal accidents. Horse meat. Hot Pockets©. Hot cheese. Hot people. Hulk Hogan. Hurricane Katrina. Inappropriate yodeling. Incest. Intelligent design. Italians. Jerking off into a pool of children's tears. Jew-fros. Jewish fraternities. Jibber-jabber. John Wilkes Booth. Judge Judy. Justin Bieber. Kamikaze pilots. Kanye West. Keanu Reeves. Keg stands. Kids with ass cancer. Kim Jong-il. Lactation. Lady Gaga. Lance Armstrong's missing testicle. Land mines. Laying an egg. Leaving an awkward voicemail. Leprosy. Licking things to claim them as your own. Lockjaw. Loose lips. Lumberjack fantasies. Lunchables™. Making a pouty face. Man meat. Masturbation. Mathletes. Me time. MechaHitler. Men. Menstruation. Michael Jackson. Michelle Obama's arms. Morgan Freeman's voice. Mouth herpes. Mr. Clean, right behind you. Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him). Multiple stab wounds. Mutually-assured destruction. My collection of high-tech sex toys. My genitals. My inner demons. My relationship status. My sex life. My soul. My vagina. Natalie Portman. Natural male enhancement. Natural selection. Nazis. Necrophilia. New Age music. Nickelback. Nicolas Cage. Nipple blades. Nocturnal emissions. Not giving a shit about the Third World. Not reciprocating oral sex. Obesity. Object permanence. Old-people smell. Oompa-Loompas. Opposable thumbs. Overcompensation. Oversized lollipops. Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum. Panda sex. Parting the Red Sea. Party poopers. Passable transvestites. Passing a kidney stone. Passive-aggressive Post-it notes. Pedophiles. Peeing a little bit. Penis envy. Picking up girls at the abortion clinic. Pictures of boobs. Pixelated bukkake. Police brutality. Pooping back and forth. Forever. Poor life choices. Poor people. Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes. Porn Stars. Powerful thighs. Prancing. Praying the gay away. Preteens. Pretending to care. Pterodactyl eggs. Puberty. Public ridicule. Pulling out. Puppies! Queefing. Racially-biased SAT questions. Racism. Raping and pillaging. Raptor attacks. Re-gifting. Repression. Republicans. Riding off into the sunset. Road head. Robert Downey, Jr. RoboCop. Ronald Reagan. Roofies. Same-sex ice dancing. Sarah Palin. Saxophone solos. Scalping. Science. Scientology. Scrubbing under the folds. Sean Connery. Sean Penn. Seduction. Self-loathing. Seppuku. Serfdom. Sexting. Sexual tension. Sexy pillow fights. Shapeshifters. Shaquille O'Neal's acting career. Sharing needles. Skeletor. Smallpox blankets. Smegma. Sniffing glue. Soiling oneself. Soup that is too hot. Spectacular abs. Sperm whales. Spontaneous human combustion. Steven Hawking talking dirty. Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis. Stranger danger. Sunshine and rainbows. Surprise sex! Sweet, sweet vengeance. Switching to Geico®. Swooping. Take-backsies. Taking off your shirt. Tangled Slinkys. Tasteful sideboob. Teaching a robot to love. Team-building exercises. Teenage pregnancy. Tentacle porn. Testicular torsion. The American Dream The Amish. The Big Bang. The Blood of Christ. The Care Bear Stare. The Chinese gymnastics team. The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. The Donald Trump Seal of Approval™. The Force. The Hamburglar. The Holy Bible. The Hustle. The Jews. The KKK. The Kool-Aid Man. The Little Engine That Could. The Make-A-Wish® Foundation. The Pope. The Rapture. The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The South. The Tempur-Pedic© Swedish Sleep System™. The Three-Fifths compromise. The Trail of Tears. The Underground Railroad. The Virginia Tech Massacre. The World of Warcraft. The chronic. The clitoris. The folly of man. The forbidden fruit. The gays. The glass ceiling. The hardworking Mexican. The heart of a child. The homosexual agenda. The inevitable heat death of the universe. The milk man. The miracle of childbirth. The placenta. The profoundly handicapped. The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge. The terrorists. The thing that electrocutes your abs. The token minority. The true meaning of Christmas. The violation of our most basic human rights. The Übermensch. Third base. Tom Cruise. Toni Morrison's vagina. Too much hair gel. Tweeting. Two midgets shitting into a bucket. Unfathomable stupidity. Uppercuts. Vehicular manslaughter. Viagra©. Vigilante justice. Vigorous jazz hands. Vikings. Waiting 'til marriage. Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot. Waterboarding. Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry. When you fart and a little bit comes out. Whipping it out. White people. White privilege. Wifely duties. William Shatner. Winking at old people. Wiping her butt. Women in yogurt commercials. Women's suffrage. World peace. YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS. Yeast.