Black cards An international tribunal has found ________ guilty of ________. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for ________. Dear Sir or Madam, We regret to inform you that the Office of ________ has denied your request for ________ I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with ________. In Rome, there are whisperings that the Vatican has a secret room devoted to ________. In a pinch, ________ can be a suitable substitute for ________. In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of ________. In its new tourism campaign, Detroit proudly proclaims that it has finally eliminated ________. In the distant future, historians will agree that ________ marked the beginning of America's decline. Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits ________ against ________. My plan for world domination begins with ________. Next season on Man vs. Wild, Bear Grylls must survive in the depths of the Amazon with only ________ and his wits. Science will never explain ________. The CIA now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to ________. The socialist governments of Scandinavia have declared that access to ________ is a basic human right. What brought the orgy to a grinding halt? What has been making life difficult at the nudist colony? What's the gift that keeps on giving? When I pooped, what came out of my butt? When all else fails, I can always masturbate to ________. White cards 24-hour media coverage. A beached whale. A big black dick. A bloody pacifier. A crappy little hand. A low standard of living. A nuanced critique. A passionate Latino lover. A plunger to the face. A rival dojo. A web of lies. A woman scorned. Apologizing. Beating your wives. Being a busy adult with many important things to do. Being a dinosaur. Bosnian chicken farmers. Carnies. Clams. Clenched butt cheeks. Coughing into a vagina. Deflowering the princess. Dorito breath. Eating an albino. Enormous Scandinavian women. Fabricating statistics. Finding a skeleton. Gandalf. Genetically engineered super-soldiers. George Clooney's musk. Getting abducted by Peter Pan. Getting in her pants, politely. Gladiatorial combat. Hipsters. Historical revisionism. Insatiable bloodlust. Jafar. Jean-Claude Van Damme. Just the tip. Leveling up. Literally eating shit. Mad hacky-sack skills. Making the penises kiss. Medieval Times© Dinner & Tournament. Moral ambiguity. My machete. Neil Patrick Harris. Nubile slave boys. Ominous background music. One thousand Slim Jims. Overpowering your father. Panty raids. Quiche. Quivering jowls. Revenge fucking. Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart. Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse. Saliva. Santa Claus. Scrotum tickling. Sexual humiliation. Sexy Siamese twins. Shaft. Space muffins. Statistically validated stereotypes. Stockholm Syndrome. Sudden Poop Explosion Disease. Suicidal thoughts. Syphilitic insanity. The Gulags. The boners of the elderly. The economy. The four arms of Vishnu. The harsh light of day. The hiccups. The ooze. The shambling corpse of Larry King. Tripping balls. Words, words, words. Zeus's sexual appetites.