Black cards After blacking out during New Year's Eve, I was awoken by ________. Every Christmas, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about ________. Jesus is ________. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French hens, two turtle doves, and ________. This holiday season, Tim Allen must overcome his fear of ________ to save Christmas. Wake up, America. Christmas is under attack by secular liberals and their ________. What keeps me warm during the cold, cold, winter? White cards A Christmas stocking full of coleslaw. A Hungry-Man™ Frozen Christmas Dinner for one. A toxic family environment. A visually arresting turtleneck. Another shitty year. Clearing a bloody path through Walmart with a scimitar. Eating an entire snowman. Elf cum. Fucking up 'Silent Night' in front of 300 parents. Gift-wrapping a live hamster. Immaculate conception. Krampus, the Austrian Christmas monster. Mall Santa. My hot cousin. Pretending to be happy. Santa's heavy sack. Several intertwining love stories featuring Hugh Grant. Socks. Space Jam on VHS. Taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missile. The Star Wars Holiday Special. The tiny, calloused hands of the Chinese children that made this card. Whatever Kwanzaa is supposed to be about.