[AJ]
Who's wiser than a warlock
And tougher than a troll
And charming as a candy cane
Who's faster than a phoenix
And sly as a sphynx
And always set to entertain

Here to give this sagging tale
A hero to employ
Look up to the skies
Now look in my eyes
It's Gilderoy

Who's handsome as a hobbit
And manly as a mare
And loves to give the girls a wink
Who's funny as a ferret
And quick as a quill
And always sings without a lip sync

Here to rid your nostrils
Of that dreadful Potter boy
'Cause that smell in the air
Is the marvellous flair of
'Scuse me, Gilderoy!
Long ago lived a fellow who caught your eye
Hair that curled in a beautiful fro
Now he's gone, and replaced with a suit and tie
Dancing in a variety show
Oh, where did he go?
Does he even care at all?

(spoken)
I just don't know

[AJ & ENSEMBLE]
Recently, he's been acting very weird (ooh...)
Every day, his story grows more and more banal (ooh...)
And Voldemort isn't coming this year

[AJ]
Gilderoy is here to fill your short attention spans
Why look at that Wonder Boy
When you could be looking at a Wonder Man?

(spoken)
Let me hear it!

[ENSEMBLE]
You could be looking at a Wonder Man
[AJ]
Who was Wizard of the Year seven times in seven years?

(spoken)
Tell me people

[ALL]
Gilderoy!

[AJ]
Who conquered all his fears and made a boggart disappear?

(spoken)
Go on say it

[ALL]
Gilderoy!

[AJ]
Who taught a yeti how to sing?

[ENSEMBLE]
Gilderoy

[AJ]
Walked into Mordor and destroyed the ring?
[ENSEMBLE]
Gilderoy

[AJ]
Battled a banshee and came out a champ?

[ENSEMBLE]
Gilderoy

[AJ]
Trapped Jafar inside of that lamp?

[ENSEMBLE]
Gilderoy

[AJ]
Stories of wonder for each girl and boy
Paperback or hardback for you to enjoy
Form an orderly line

[ENSEMBLE]
It's Gilderoy!

[AJ]
Ladies, one at a time

[ENSEMBLE]
It's Gilderoy!

[AJ]
Oh, give me something to sign

[ENSEMBLE]
It's Gilderoy!

[AJ]
All sales are final
Soon the school will be mine

[ALL]
It's Gilderoy!