[Narrator]
Long ago in London
1800-something
12/24 the day before Christmas

There's a greedy old geezer
Named Ebenezer
A mean man of money and of business

He never laughs and he's never smiled
He's a total dick to man, woman, and child
And a total jerk to Bob Cratchit his clerk

He hates Christmas and he hates fun
And he really hates you, he hates everyone
The only things he doesn't hate are making money and work

And if you say "Happy Holidays"
Hе'll shout his favorite phrase

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge & Narrator]
Bah Humbug!
[Narrator]
Therе's no meaner dude
Than Ebenezer Scrooge

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge & Narrator]
Bah Humbug!

[Narrator]
If you see his frowny face
Just turn and run away
'Cause he's gonna come and ruin your day

There's no meaner dude, than Ebenezer Scrooge

So Scrooge is working
And his clerk is clerking
When in walks Fred, Scrooge's nephew

[Fred]
Hi Scrooge, Merry Christmas

[Scrooge]
What the hell is this?
[Fred]
Merry Christmas uncle, God bless you!

[Scrooge]
What's so "merry" about it, Fred?
Aren't you still super poor? Aren't you still in debt?

[Fred]
Well what's so shitty about it, Scrooge?
You're still rich

[Scrooge]
Hmph

[Fred]
Uncle Scrooge, I'm just saying "Hey"
And inviting you to dinner on Christmas Day
You're my family even though you're a total dick

[Narrator]
Scrooge looks at his nephew's face
He knows the perfect thing to say

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!
[Scrooge & Narrator]
Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge]
Christmas with you and your wife?
I'd rather take my own life
Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge & Narrator]
Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge]
Goodbye, good afternoon

[Fred]
Okay, I love you too

[Narrator]
Fred, he's not surprised
He always knew
There's no meaner man than Ebenezer Scrooge

[Charity Collector #2]
Just then...

[Charity Collector #1]
Two men

[Both Charity Collectors]
Come up to the door

[Charity Collector #2]
Requestin'

[Charity Collector #1]
Collectin'

[Both Charity Collectors]
Donations for the poor
They don't know that Scrooge is greedy
That he doesn't care about the needy
So they ask old Ebenezey
"Please show some love"
Scrooge kicks them out with a big old

[Charity Collectors & Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Narrator]
Here's my man, Bob Cratchit
Wrapped up in a warm jacket
'Cause Scrooge keeps the place freakin' freezing

[Bob Cratchit]
Um, Mr. Scrooge, sir?
Not to be rude, sir

[Scrooge]
Goddamnit Cratchit, start speaking

[Bob Cratchit]
Well you see, my family
They're kind of a real big deal to me

[Narrator]
His words trails off in a voice, timid and soft

[Bob Cratchit]
And I was thinking, since tomorrow's Christmas
And generally a pretty slow day for business

[Scrooge]
Let me guess Bob, you'd like tomorrow off?

[Bob Cratchit (spoken)]
Y-yes, sir

[Scrooge]
So let me get this straight
You don't work, but still get paid?
Why don't you just rob me, Bobby?
Or steal food from my plate?
You're lucky I'm so understanding
Even though you're so demanding
Okay, have your way
Come in early the following day!
But before you go, please wait
There's something I need to say
Bah Humbug!

[Narrator]
Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Narrator]
Bah Humbug!
The sun goes down on London town

[Ensemble]
Scrooge closes up and he heads out

[Scrooge & Narrator]
Bah Humbug!

[Ensemble]
Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge & Narrator]
Bah Humbug!

[Ensemble]
Bah Humbug!

[Narrator]
He gets back home but doesn't know

[Ensemble]
This Christmas, he won't be alone
And though the day is done
Scrooge's tale has just begun
Let's see how he does this Christmas
'Cause it's the story of
The meanest man there ever was

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Ensemble]
Bah Humbug!
The rudest dude you ever knew

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Ensemble]
Bah Humbug!
The crabbiest
Scumbaggiest

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Ensemble]
The grouchiest
The frowniest

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Ensemble]
The angriest hater
The crankiest neighbor

[Scrooge]
Bah Humbug!

[Ensemble]
The greediest geezer
The cruelest creature
No one meaner than Ebenezer Scrooge!