[Verse 1: Doofenshmirtz]
I bear lots of animosity to bell hops
They never bring my luggage up on time
And taxi drivers really tax my patience
If they vanished, would it really be a crime?

[Verse 2: Doofenshmirtz]
I don't like meter maids or underwater welders
Health fanatic cooks, or camera crews!
Not fond of monks or yoga teachers, or sports fans in the bleachers
And I'm not sure how I'm feeling about you!

[Interlude: Doofenshmirtz]
There are lots of horrid people on this planet
That I would love to give a lashing to

[Chorus: Doofenshmirtz]
But my goody two-shoes brother
The favorite of my mother
Is the one I want to smother
In a ton of pigeon goo!

[Outro: Doofenshmirtz]
Yes, my goody-two shoes brother
The favorite of my mother
He's the one I want to smother
Thank you sir, I'll have another!
He's the one I want to smother
In a ton of pigeon goo!
You see, you see how I held that last note, good, huh?