[Lyric Note 1]
After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by Toad-O's road crew, and being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, Mary is dumped in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock groups due into the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by entering the Wet T-Shirt contest at The Brasserie..

[Verse 1: Ike]
Looks to me like something funny is going on around here
Of people laughin' and dancin' and payin'
Entirely too much for their beer

[Refrain: Ike]
And they all think they are clean outta-site
And they're ready to party
'Cause the sign outside says it's 'Wet T-Shirt Nite'
And they all crave some hot delight

[Verse 2: Ike]
Well the girls are excited
Because in a minute, they're gonna get wet
And the boys are delighted
Because all the titties will get 'em upset

[Refrain: Ike]
And they all think they're reety-alright
And they're ready to boogie
'Cause the sign outside says it's 'Wet T-Shirt Nite'
And they all crave some pink delight
[Instrumental Break]

[Verse 3: Ike]
When the water gets on them
Their ninnies get rigid and look pretty bold
It's a common reaction
That makes an attraction whenever it's cold

[Refrain: Ike]
And all the fellas they wish they could bite
On the cute little nuggets the local girls are showin' off tonight
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right

[Segue: Ike]
And it's Wet T-Shirt Time again!
I know you want someone to show you some tit!
Big ones!
Wet ones!
Big wet ones!

[Lyric Note 2]
At this point, Father Riley (who had been recently de-frocked for not meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport coot and moved to Miami and changed his name to Buddy Jones) steps onto the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a wet t-shirt contest MC...
[Spoken: Buddy Jones and Mary]
Ah, thanks, Ike
Yes, it's Wet T-Shirt Time again
Here at The Brasserie, home of the tits (huh huh)
And it's the charming Mary from Canoga Park
Up next in her bid for the semi-finals
Hi, Mary... how'ya doin'?
(Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, Mary does not recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the rectory basement during which she acquired her basic manual skills. Confounded by his sport coat, she replies..)
Hi!
(Realizing that she no longer recognizes him... or even appreciates the patient religious training he had given her in the past, Buddy Jones, like a true wet t-shirt MC type person, proceeds to say various stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity to buy more exciting beverages. . . liquid products that will expand their consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance of Miami By Night...)
Where ya from?
Ah, the bus
Which one?
You know... the last tour
You know... Leather
Oh, you were the girl that was stuck to seat 38 on Phydeaux III
Why don't you get in position now and take a deep breath
Because this water is very, very cold
But it's goin' to be so stimulating
And Mary's the kind of red-blooded American girl
Who'll do anything
Anything
I said anything for fifty bucks, that's right!
I really need the fifty bucks you know
I gotta get home!
Yeah, I know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed
That's right, you heard right...
Our big prize tonight is fifty American dollars
To the girl with the most exciting mammalian protruberances!
Here I am!
...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked
Stupid looking white sort of male person's conservative
Kind of middle-of-the-road cotton undergarment!
Whoopee! And here comes the water!
Ah!
No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...
Sounds like you just got an ice pick in the forehead, haha
And here comes the ice pick in the forehead!
Oooh, ha ha
A million laughs, Mary!
Anyway; good golly, what a mess, she's totally soaked
Totally-
I love it
Yeah, totally committed to the fifty bucks
That's it just step into the spotlight
Let the guys get a good look at ya, honey!
Here I am!
Whaddya say, fellas? Nice setta jugs?
Now, Mary, how's about shakin' it around a little?
Ooooh!
Oh my goodness, look at her go!
Oooh! I'm dancing! Ah, ah
Ain't this what living is really all about?
Here's your fifty bucks, Mary
Oh great! Now I can go home! Oooh!
Home is where the heart is
On the bus!