I saw an episode of The Jerry Springer Show, and the topic was "Transvestites and the Men Who Love Them." And the guy was on with his 'girlfriend' and he was saying, "To me, this is a beautiful woman. She's got a perfect body, beautiful blonde hair, everything. I love her, and I love making love to her. Now I ask you, does that make me gay?"

Most of the audience thought so, and so did I
But it got me thinking about what is and isn't gay

Discussing sex with a guy is gay
Discussing sex with a woman is straight
Even telling a woman
"Sometimes I wonder what it
Would be like to suck a cock" is straight

Sports are gay
Especially contact sports
Unless you're the only guy on both teams
In which case it's straight

Gyms are always gay
Because afterwards
In the locker room
You're showering with guys
And that is gay

Watching pornography alone is neutral
Like eating a sandwich
It’s neither straight nor gay
Watching pornos with one
Or more other guys in the room
No matter how many other women
Are also in the room, is gay
Watching porn, even gay porn
With one or more women only is straight
Here's an interesting one: kissing a gay guy on the cheek, or letting him kiss you on the cheek is neutral, as long as the guy is out of the closet. Hugging and/or kissing a straight guy is gay

See, look, uh, I-I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys. They don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know they're gay... they fuck my shit right up

Like a guy calls me up and says, uh, "A bunch of us guys are gonna sit around in our underwear and watch the football game and drink beer and eat chips and, you know, maybe wrestle with each other a little, you know, just us guys. You wanna come over?" And I'm like, "No."

Ok, you got a guy sucking your dick, even if he's dressed like a beautiful woman, even if he's got the best breast implants you've ever seen, even if you're saying to him "Suck it, bitch, I know you like it, you slut, you whore!" that's gay

Conversely, if a woman straps on a dildo, and you're dressed like a woman, and you're sucking her cock, and she's saying, "You like it, don't you? You like sucking my dick you, little fucking faggot," and then she rolls you over and fucks you in the ass and says, "You love it you little pussy boy! You love getting fucked in the ass. I'll bet you wish I was a man! I'll bet you wish this was a real cock, you fucking faggot!" and you're getting off on this like you've never gotten off before, that's still straight

But then, if you go off to the bar, and discuss this, or any other sexual experience with other guys, that's gay

Here's the most interesting one. Sucking a guy's cock can, under certain rare cirumstances, be straight. Let's say you've gotten into a betting game with a woman, and the bet is whoever loses has to be the other one's sex slave for a night, the kind of thing that happens in Penthouse Forum all the time. And you lose, and the woman makes you have sex with another guy. That's not gay. I don't know exactly why, but it’s not